11 avril 2006

I'm unsure of my sexual orientation...

I am going through a very confusing time right now. For the past year or so, I’ve had a strong physical attraction to women. This is new for me. I have always considered myself to be straight. I am in a committed relationship with a man I love, and am planning to be married soon. Our sexual relationship is good. When we have sex, I’m completely attracted to him, and enjoy sex. Still, I’m incredibly confused.
As I get closer to the wedding, I’m becoming frightened because I’m trying to figure out my sexual identity. I thought maybe I was going through an odd phase, but the feelings haven’t gone away. They will disappear for a couple of months at a time, but then return as strong as before. Why is this happening now?
The attraction I have to women is very different than what I feel for my boyfriend. With him, I am attracted, emotionally engaged, and in love. I’m only physically attracted to women. I don’t know how to channel this attraction. I’m unsure of my sexual identity…


Dear Jan,

I can see that this can be confusing for you. Building a relationship with a man you plan on marrying and having physical attractions to women from time to time can generate doubt and anxiety. Even if you consider yourself “straight”, attracted to men, that doesn’t mean you cannot have attractions for someone of the same sex. Being straight or homosexual doesn’t rule out every other kind of attraction. You don’t have to be one or the other exclusively. On the other hand, having physical attraction for someone of the same sex doesn’t mean you are a lesbian.

This attraction could mean a lot of things. If you think there is more lying beneath or that this is something you need to explore, consider talking about it with your partner. If you don’t feel comfortable doing so, look deeper in yourself. Don’t be afraid of digging to find out what it is that you have been experiencing. It is very normal to doubt ourselves and once you figure it out it will only make you stronger. You will know yourself that much better.

You say that you are attracted, emotionally engager and in love with your partner. Those are key components for building a good relationship. Physical attractions can just be “physical”. Maybe it doesn’t go further than that, but that’s for you to find out.

Best wishes,

Andréanne, for AlterHeros.