I’m a straight female but don’t like my femininity

Hi there,

Thanks for submitting your question to Alterheros. Believe it or not, many people feel the way you feel – disembodied and seemingly the wrong gender, appearance and object of attraction. You are definitely not alone, and it is not abnormal to feel the way you feel, despite how much you think it is unusual or uncommon. Instead, there are many people who never seek to find answers, or vocalize their feelings and take steps to change their lives to make themselves feel more comfortable and happy. It is good that you have discovered these things and are vocalizing them.

I hear you say that you hate your feminine appearance and do not relate to other women on any level, that they make you feel uncomfortable and feel out of place. I hear you say you have mostly male friends and have a very strong attraction to masculine men. These may sound like things that don’t match or belong together, but when we look at sexuality as a broad spectrum with as many different combinations as there are people, then these feelings don’t seem so surprising. Sexuality, sexual desire, behavior, thoughts and physical appearance are fluid things, and do not fit into neat categories. There is no set list of criteria and characteristics for straight females and males, or gay females and males etc. People are very unique, and everyone has different personas and desires. What you feel is not wrong or strange, it is just another sexual identity and set of desires.

As a possible solution, I would seek to change your appearance to lessen the feminine look you dislike. Perhaps in less feminine clothing you might feel more like who you are inside. Keep the male friends that you have, there is nothing wrong with having only one sex of friends if that is what makes you comfortable. See how you feel when you perhaps, have a different hair cut, or wear different clothes. Dress as you feel you want to look, whatever form of attire that may be.

If you find this change still very unsatisfying and uncomfortable, you could seek counseling and discuss the possibilities of a sex change operation, if you both conclude that you are transgender. I realize you may be thinking about the discrimination and negative attitudes towards transsexualism that often accompany certain religious beliefs or cultural values. However bear in mind that these are only created by society, and that there are also cultures that have no difficulty integrating people who change gender roles, often holding them with high regard, such as the traditional role for two spirit people found among certain native American tribes.

I hope this has helped you somewhat. If you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

for Alterheros,


About Evelyn Kuang

Evelyn holds a BA in Psychology, Sexual Diversity Studies, and Social Studies of Medicine. She also has work experience in Women’s Healthcare, and Sexual Healthcare Clinic. She was also an intern at a Alcohol and Substance Abuse Recovery program. In 2008, she was part of the organizers for Vagina Monologues College Campaign @ McGill.

I love counseling, education and debunking myths. I’m very passionate about sexual healthcare and seek to change the way we think, tolerate and perceive sexuality in all its facets.

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