9 novembre 2010

I'm a straight female but don't like my femininity

I’ve always been confused about my gender… I’m a straight female, but I don’t identify with being female at all. I never have, even when I was quite young. But the strange part is, I have a very strong attraction to masculine men, the same men I envy in every way due to their gender. I have a very feminine appearance, the large curves, the small frame, and I hate it. I hate how small and womanly I look. I don’t relate or connect to other women on any level. They make me feel uncomfortable, just very out of place. The majority of my friends are male. I often feel like a gay man trapped in a woman’s body and it bothers me to no end.

Evelyn Kuang

Hi there,

Thanks for submitting your question to Alterheros. Believe it or not, many people feel the way you feel – disembodied and seemingly the wrong gender, appearance and object of attraction. You are definitely not alone, and it is not abnormal to feel the way you feel, despite how much you think it is unusual or uncommon. Instead, there are many people who never seek to find answers, or vocalize their feelings and take steps to change their lives to make themselves feel more comfortable and happy. It is good that you have discovered these things and are vocalizing them.

I hear you say that you hate your feminine appearance and do not relate to other women on any level, that they make you feel uncomfortable and feel out of place. I hear you say you have mostly male friends and have a very strong attraction to masculine men. These may sound like things that don’t match or belong together, but when we look at sexuality as a broad spectrum with as many different combinations as there are people, then these feelings don’t seem so surprising. Sexuality, sexual desire, behavior, thoughts and physical appearance are fluid things, and do not fit into neat categories. There is no set list of criteria and characteristics for straight females and males, or gay females and males etc. People are very unique, and everyone has different personas and desires. What you feel is not wrong or strange, it is just another sexual identity and set of desires.

As a possible solution, I would seek to change your appearance to lessen the feminine look you dislike. Perhaps in less feminine clothing you might feel more like who you are inside. Keep the male friends that you have, there is nothing wrong with having only one sex of friends if that is what makes you comfortable. See how you feel when you perhaps, have a different hair cut, or wear different clothes. Dress as you feel you want to look, whatever form of attire that may be.

If you find this change still very unsatisfying and uncomfortable, you could seek counseling and discuss the possibilities of a sex change operation, if you both conclude that you are transgender. I realize you may be thinking about the discrimination and negative attitudes towards transsexualism that often accompany certain religious beliefs or cultural values. However bear in mind that these are only created by society, and that there are also cultures that have no difficulty integrating people who change gender roles, often holding them with high regard, such as the traditional role for two spirit people found among certain native American tribes.

I hope this has helped you somewhat. If you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

for Alterheros,