1 octobre 2023

Do you think I'm a lesbian because of my boyfriend troubles?

Hi. I’m very confused at the moment. I have always known i am attracted to girls and boys. I have a boyfriend that i have been going out with on and off for four years. Sometimes we broke up because we keep fighting (as we don’t have much in common) and the last time was because i stopped having sex with him as kept thinking of girls. We broke up and i had sex with girls and really loved it, but he couldn’t stand being ‘just friends’ and said we cant see each other again if we don’t get back together, so we did. Now its starting to happen again. I love him but sometimes i don’t think I’m ‘ín love’ with him in that way.. I always think of girls when having sex (which most of the time i only do for him). Do you think i am lesbian? Thank you.

Evelyn Kuang

Hi Nelly,

Thanks for submitting your question to Alterheros. It sounds like you’re in a difficult spot! From what you’re telling me, it sounds like from your past emotions and reactions to past sexual encounters with your boyfriend and girls, that there are a lot of things going on. The two main things I’d like to address are: your « on and off » relationship with your boyfriend, and your struggle with your sexual identity and orientation.

I’m concerned about the conditions of your relationship with your boyfriend. A few things strike me as warning signs: that you « don’t have much in common, » that you got back together mainly because he couldn’t stand being « just friends, » that he threatened to never see you again if you didn’t get back together, that you « don’t think you’re in love with him in that way, » and that « most of the time I only do [have sex] for him. » From this, it doesn’t sound like you’re in a relationship that you want to be in, and that is healthy for you. It sounds as though you’ve been coerced into getting back together despite not truly wanting to, other than your fear that you will lose your ex-boyfriend as a friend and never see him again.

Though he is likely hurt about you wanting to break up, this is unacceptable behavior from him and a completely unsound reason for reuniting your relationship. On top of that, you’ve experimented with girls, are certain you are attracted to girls and seemingly find yourself sexually unattracted to your boyfriend. Ultimately, whether you are lesbian or bisexual or heterosexual or whatever, the bottom line is you deserve to be with someone you choose to be with and want to be with – not be in a relationship out of a fear of losing a person in your life. Because of this, I strongly encourage you to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. It may sound devastating because you’ve been with him for so long, and he said he couldn’t just be friends, but the way he is currently treating you is wrong, and he also might mean he can’t be friends right now. Post break-up, many ex-couples find it hard to just be friends, and find they need some time to become friends again. Normally the longer the relationship, the longer it may take to become just friends again. On the other hand, you might never be friends again, and this may seem sad to you, and you are completely allowed to grieve – but if this becomes the case after some time, just remember that you deserve a friend that will treat you with respect, care about you and not force you back into situations you’re not comfortable with.

As far as whether you are a lesbian or not, it is your choice whether you feel comfortable identifying yourself as that. Being sexually attracted to and being sexually involved with girls does not mean you have to identify as a lesbian!. Also, you may find that you are currently disinterested in men because of your bad experience with your current boyfriend. Whatever you decide, be aware that the most important thing is to choose someone that cares about you, respects you, that you have fun with and that you feel safe with. These aspects, regardless of the sex and/or gender of your partner, are what comprises a healthy relationship – long term, short term, casual etc whatever it might be!

I hope this has helped clear some things for you, Nelly. Please don’t hesitate to write again if you have any more questions. Good luck and take care!!

For Alterheros,