Depression, cutting and facing your parents about bisexuality
For the past two years or so, Ive know I was bisexual. I am currently dating a girl, and have been for about five months. Recently my parents put me in counseling because of my temper. I have been receiving help for about a month, but it isn’t doing anything for my newly discovered depression. My counselor says I have « severe depression, » and it’s affecting me greatly. I’ve been cutting myself for about a year, and my parents and counselor just found out, they also found out that I am bisexual. My dad called me the worst names in the book and my mom, both of them being raised in a conservative, catholic background, told me that they would never accept me. My parents think me being bisexual is worse than me being gay. I don’t know how to cope with with all the things going on, I have been cutting now more than ever, and I just feel like dieing. I’m trying to hold it all in until my next counseling session but I’m not dealing too well. My mom has been hitting me. Please help.
I can see how this must be such a difficult and confusing time for you.
The most important thing is that you were brave enough to ask for help.
That is such a huge step to take. Most adults can’t even do that.
Therapy does take time. And finding a therapy that is suited to your
particular needs is a hard thing to be patient about, but when you do
cater to your needs, there is so much less in this world to be frustrated
I think there are a lot of issues going on here at once.
I’ve been around a lot of people with high wielding tempers, and what I
noticed was that people don’t get angry because of the problem at hand.
Like for example, your grades come back for an assignment you worked three
hours on, and you failed. Your immediate reaction might be, « This teacher
sucks. I hate this school. I hate my life! ARGH! » (and then throwing a
book at someone, or a chair….etc.)
But in all of that, the grade wasn’t what set you off. It was that feeling
of being deprived of something you felt you deserved. Your comfort level being
abused. Your loss of control. Your feelings of anxiety and self-loathing
playing with your reality (how well you did on that test making you see
yourself as low as that grade). Once you figure out the root of what made you have that feeling, it really is like a weight shedding itself.
Much of the time it’s a mixture of emotions that you want to deflect as far
as possible. In my experience at least, that’s what I’ve noticed. There are many support groups for people dealing with being gay/bi/queer
in most areas, popping up now, and they can be valuable for each person especially
when you’re dealing with your sexuality causing turmoil with your current
relationships. When it bleeds into areas of your life you have no control over
because of religious teachings, or culture/tradition, etc. it can help to be
around people who are dealing with the same thing. So you know and feel that
you are not alone.
You can’t change your parents, if they do change their minds, it’ll have to be
when they’re ready to. It’s not something that you will change, and hopefully, you
live your life in a way that takes care of yourself, and looks after yourself,
so that if things don’t work out because of your sexuality, you are taken care of.
It’s hard not having parental acceptance. But that’s a relationship process where
as you’re learning who you are, and what your needs are that you need fulfilling,
so are they. We teach others how to treat us by letting them know what our needs
are. But that alone can not do it. And you shouldn’t go through this alone.
I think the most important thing right now, is that you get yourself some stability
in some sort of support system, and that you trust in yourself, and open up to
others about your feelings. Making scars on your body that show what you feel,
yet heal in some sort of mockery of your pain, isn’t worth your time and effort.
It’s also dangerous, depending what you’re cutting yourself with, how often, and
concerning infections-you have so much more to offer yourself than this. And you
deserve to be happy.
It’s good your therapist knows you’re cutting. There are also support groups for
these things too. Definitely get checked out to make sure your body is alright.
Scars are surface level, and your pain is deep, but you can get through it.
You are strong enough.
We hold such high regard for our parents. Yours being conservative/catholic is not
really what makes a person not accepting. Usually, it is fear. How others will
react. How God will judge? I won’t get into religious arguments. I don’t think you
need that, or it will help, because like I said, no one can change your parent’s
minds until they decide their priorities and faith can co-exist in keeping a good
relationship. It is worth their time. You are worth having in people’s lives. And
having parents that are understanding and loving. Sometimes we need to make our
lives what we need it to be, and deserve, in the meantime.
Please inform your therapist of your mom’s physical abuse. You need someone with the ability to responsibly involve themselves on your behalf, to protect you.
Thank you for writing us. I hope this has helped you in some way.
You are brave, Kelsey.
There are hotlines if ever you feel like you cannot wait till therapy to call
if you need to talk. Here are some additional resources for you:
Gay & Lesbian National Hotline
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) Youth Support Line
SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program
1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)
Youth Crisis Hotline