I'm in my first relationship and I truly feel safe, loved, appreciated and taken care of, but I'm insecure about my partner watching porn and think about previous relationships...
Hello, I am in my first relatioship and I truly feel safe, loved, appreciated and taken care of, well most of the time… Until anxiety of possible end of it in the future comes or a topic which I’ll discuss in a bit. I have problems with loving myself but my boyfriend is patient with me and comforts me even when I just feel like a burden and overly emotional. The problem that keeps on arising in my mind is picturing him being aroused my other women. We met during summer abroad and agreed to be monogamous when I went back home and he returned as well we agreed to think it through and discuss us later on, to see what do we want. In that time he slept with a women whom he slept with on an off for 2 years, she is still texting him and it makes me feel insecure. It hurt me a lot at the time, he said that we werent together then and that we didnt agree on anything but to me it seems like common sense that when you like someone you wont sleep with other people. I definitely didn’t have the need to do so, cause sex for me is really intimate and I can picture having it with only someone I feel feelings towards. Couple of days back he said that he watched porn and sometimes thinks of his past sexual experiences or that a thought that he would like to sleep with other women pops into his head. He said that it would be exciting, sleeping with other women but he chooses porn as a variety to his life ’cause he knows that it would ruin our relationship and that he doesnt want to act up on it because he wants to in a relationship with me. It all makes me really insecure and makes me questions his feelings towards me, idk whether it’s a male-female difference or what… I am trying to understand it, would love to hear your thoughts about whether male fantasies are a threat to the relationship or how can I feel secure even when he watches porn/gets off whilst thinking of his past sexual experiences. He also goes to life drawing classes with naked models that was the first thing that me feel insecure as I thought of it as a sexual thing so when it came to reality with porn I felt really hurt and unsafe in our relationship. I really like him a lot, a lot but idk how to go about it. As well as how to try understand nudity and other women not having to be a threat….
Hi Lina!
So, what I hear from your message is that you’re in a loving relationship with a man that makes you feel safe and respected. However, sometimes you get insecure because he thinks about other women and once had sex with another woman.
Well first, I think like in many couples there are positives and negatives. You can both feel happy and in love with him most times, and still have other times where you disagree or get worried about certain issues. That doesn’t automatically mean that your relationship is doomed to fail.
An important factor in the situation you’re talking about is the time he slept with someone else. You say that at the time he didn’t think youre were together, it was before you agreed on being monogamous, but you still feel uneasy because you would not sleep with other people when you have feelings for someone. It sounds, to me, like a misunderstanding that has since been addressed and discussed. The way you describe it, it sounds like your boyfriend now understands that your relationship has since changed, and would likely not do something like that again. You also said that he still texts the person he slept with. I don’t know their relationship, it’s possible that it evolved into a strictly platonic friendship, but I hear it makes you uncomfortable. I encourage you to talk this out with him, from the look of it you two are able to have these difficult conversations. You’re allowed to voice how you feel and how his actions impact you. It most certainly does not make you a burden or overly emotional, it only makes you human.
Another point you brought up is that he sometimes watches porn and thinks about past partners and sexual experiences to put variety in his sex life. I can’t speak very deeply to his intentions and thought processes, but I can say that a lot of men, most in fact, use porn and sexual fantasy to get excited. It is not a risk factor for adultery in and out of itself.
You also said that he thinks about sleeping with other women but does not want to act on it. Again, it can be a harmless fantasy that has no impact on his actions. This isn’t a guarantee or promise that he’ll never cheat, it’s impossible to say, but I personally don’t see his behavior as any kind of warning sign.
One last thing, you mentioned he takes nude drawing classes. Personally, I can easily make a clear distinction between nudity and sexuality, but I know that limit can be harder to trace for some people. Most art classes will address that, will have things in place for the safety of the models and will strictly focus on the art and the techniques. I don’t think they would allow students to go take them only for sexual purposes. But again, I think talking this out with your boyfriend can only be beneficial, for you and for your couple as a whole.
I also want to quickly mention that if you feel that you get anxious often, about other things as well, therapy could be a good option to consider. I’m definitely not saying that everything’s in not your head. Talking as an anxious person myself, a mental health professional’s support and tools to deal with intrusive anxious thoughts can make a big difference. If this is something you think applies to you, maybe it doesn’t and that’s fine too.
Hope my answer will be of some help!
Take care,
Maxim·e, intervention worker for AlterHéros
Iel/they/them, accords neutres
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