I’m a guy and I’m in love with my lesbian best friend. What should I do?


Hi! I’m a 20 year old heterosexual guy, and I have been in love wih my best friend (who also happens to be a lesbian) for 3 years. She has been my best friend since we were 6 years old, so I have nearly my hole life shared with her. We drifted apart between 14-18 years old, but the moment we reached out to each other we immediately became friends of the “as close as you can get” type. We are both preety smart and talented in life in general, and that mental capability has allowed us to be able to think clearly about our situation from the moment I told her I loved her, despite her sexual orientation. We have an amazing connection, and recently we tried making out for hours to know how we felt, but she started it, not me. She also told me that she thought of having sex with me, but knowing that she can’t feel the same way I feel about her. I don’t know what to do, because I can separate my romantic feelings from the pure sexual desire pretty well, but it still feels wrong… Help? ;)[:en]Hi! I’m a 20 year old heterosexual guy, and I have been in love wih my best friend (who also happens to be a lesbian) for 3 years. She has been my best friend since we were 6 years old, so I have nearly my hole life shared with her. We drifted apart between 14-18 years old, but the moment we reached out to each other we immediately became friends of the “as close as you can get” type. We are both preety smart and talented in life in general, and that mental capability has allowed us to be able to think clearly about our situation from the moment I told her I loved her, despite her sexual orientation. We have an amazing connection, and recently we tried making out for hours to know how we felt, but she started it, not me. She also told me that she thought of having sex with me, but knowing that she can’t feel the same way I feel about her. I don’t know what to do, because I can separate my romantic feelings from the pure sexual desire pretty well, but it still feels wrong… Help? 😉
Joe

Hi Joe, thank you for contacting AlterHeros with your question.

You’ve been in love with your best friend for three years now. You two have a great connection. She is attracted to women. You recently made out together and she also told you that she thought of having sex with you. You’re wondering what to do in this situation because it feels wrong even if you are able to separate your romantic feelings from the sexual desire. I understand that the situation is a bit tricky. However, you both seem to be really gifted people and the way you describe things show that you already understand a lot of what is going on.

Would you like to have more intimate relationships with her? Would it be okay for you to keep seeing her, but not making out again? More specifically, what does feel wrong about it? You wrote that you tried making out for hours, but didn’t specify how you felt about it. Do you feel uncomfortable with something in particular, besides your feelings for her? Is the fact that you made out once something wrong to you? Or is it because you’d like to keep having intimate moments with her even if she doesn’t have romantic feelings for you?

If I understand well, your question is about what you should do regarding your friend’s invitation to have sex with you. You have a few options. The first one is to keep seeing her without having sex together. Maybe it would be better for you not to share intimate moments with her, knowing that she doesn’t have to same feelings for you that you have for her. Even if you can separate your romantic feelings from the pure sexual desire, you probably know that you could be hurt in that situation… but of course, you know yourself better than I do.  The fact that you think that something is wrong with this situation is a hint in itself about the choices you’re going to make. Finding out what exactly feels wrong to you is going to help you a lot. I suggest that you think about your own limits and boundaries, your needs, your values, what’s acceptable and what’s not in your opinion, what you would like, how far you’d like to go with her knowing that she’s attracted to women, what you refuse to do and why it is important to you.

A close friendship like you guys share is sometimes not too different from a romantic relationship. You grew up together, you know each other really well, and I guess you can even tell what the other one is thinking without even speaking. 😉 For you, maybe sex would be a plus.  I mean that you could also have sexual relationships together and enjoying those good times you’d spend with her. Even if she is not attracted to you in a romantic way, and (obviously!) if you both agree with having sex together, it could be a way to build up some kind of intimate relationship with her and maybe satisfy some of your needs (like being close to her).

Another option would be to take some time for you and think about it. If it really feels wrong, maybe it would be better for you two not to talk about that again. From what I understood, you tell each other everything, but as it might be some sensitive topic, you could try to forget about that and get over the sexual desire to stay close to each other like friends, like you always did.

I wish you all the best, Joe. Take care. Don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have other questions.

Marie-Edith, for AlterHéros


About Marie-Édith Vigneau

Marie-Édith is an acadian lesbian woman from Lez'Îles-de-la-Madeleine who studies social work. She's a big fan of the sea, feminism, sexual health, social justice, music, espresso, craft beers, wool socks and grilled-cheese.

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