I had a wet dream about a boy and it scared me.


Hi there, I’ve been tormented by multiple mental problems over the last 2 months including depression, anxiety and I started questioning my own sexuality but the way it started was weird. I have never in my life questioned my sexuality or felt any romantic or sexual feelings towards other men but one night In July I had what you would call a wet dream about a friend who I kinda don’t like. After that dream I woke up with a boner and I was scared to death. Now fast forward a little bit and I find myself trying out different things, first I just tried to ignore it but that didn’t help. I couldn’t get hard thinking about women at all and “I” was only aroused by homosexual content. I wrote “I” because it was like I had 2 conflicting personalities, My own personality was disgusted and repulsed by the idea of me being with another man but the other me was aroused by it. A few weeks went by like this and I started being able to be turned on by females again but I couldn’t shake the other thing off and whenever I thought about my sexuality, it would reset me to point 1 and I would have to do it all over again. Then some weeks later it felt like it was over and I would get turned on by women again and not men anymore but somehow I began thinking about it again and now I’m back at the problems again and I can’t escape it. All I’ve ever wanted in life is a normal and natural life with a wife and 100% me and my wife’s own kid, and I still want that. I would literally do anything to go back and everything besides my dick is saying no to all this bullshit. I’ve read so many articles and forum post that I’m confused at to what the problem is and no, it has nothing to do with “coming out”. my family and friends would a 100% accept me if I was gay or anything. I would rather isolate myself than be gay or mainly attracted to men. I’ve only met resistance In life and now this too? I might blow my brains out Jesus.
 
Kayday
 

Hi Kayday,
First of all thank you for contacting AlterHéros and for trusting us with your question.
It does sound like you’ve been dealing with a lot. There’s no “usual” way that questioning one’s sexuality tends to start, though it’s certainly understandable if what you’re describing felt like a weird start for you. Unexpected sexual thoughts (including dreams) can bring up so many different kinds of feelings. That can be especially true when those kind of thoughts and feelings are accompanied by physical reactions such as the ones you’re describing; it can be disconcerting when our bodies do things seemingly without our conscious knowledge (or permission). It makes a lot of sense that it could feel like having two conflicting personalities. Separating different aspects of ourselves can often be a way that people deal with things that feel overwhelming (whether or not this ends up being a helpful strategy depends a lot on context, timing, and various other factors, of course). It’s certainly understandable that you would do anything to go back to how things felt to you before. It’s also not possible for things to go back to what they were in so much as it’s not really possible to go back to a previous version or understanding of ourselves and have things go back to exactly what they used to be. Those kinds of realizations and changes can be really difficult – especially when they come to us unexpectedly. That is not to say that newly learning and realizing things about ourselves (whether we set out to do so deliberately or not) is only ever difficult as that’s very much not the case either, but I do recognize based on what you’re describing that the situation is causing a lot of distress.
There is nothing abnormal or unnatural at all about homosexuality or about having homosexual thoughts or feelings (regardless of how you choose to identify with them or not). If having a wife and a kid as you’re describing is what you want, then that’s good that you know that for yourself. It’s also quite normal for the things we want to change over time and to change with different experiences, and while I am not suggesting that what you want in terms of relationships has changed for you based on your recent experiences, I do think it’s important to acknowledge that it can be difficult when we hold onto specific stories about ourselves without taking time to examine if those stories are still serving us in the ways we want and need them to. Updating how we think about ourselves can be a daunting undertaking for sure – and it’s also part of how we can respect ourselves and the people we have relationships with as it’s part of what it means to be as authentic as we can be. Having sexual thoughts and physical reactions about other men doesn’t “automatically” make you gay, nor does it have to mean that you are mainly attracted to men. Sexuality is way more complicated than straight or gay, and is also not a static thing. This also doesn’t have to be a question of “coming out” if that is not something you want to do or think makes sense for you (whether now or at any future moment), and it’s totally possible to have thoughts or be aroused by homosexual content without necessarily having sexual relationships with other men. It’s also possible to have sexual relationships with other men without identifying as or labelling oneself homosexual or bisexual.
While the impulse to isolate yourself is certainly understandable, isolation almost always makes it harder to deal with difficult things. Anxiety and depression are also both things which can push people towards isolation, and since you mention those experiences as well, I think it’s important to name that those are both things which are not really possible to separate from other things one is living and therefore may also be impacting how you are experiencing the situation you’re describing in your question. Articles and online forums can sometimes be really helpful, and other times less so as things like this are all pretty specific to each person. There’s also not necessarily one “easy answer” and there’s not going to be a way to “fix” things because there’s nothing wrong or broken about homosexual thoughts or feelings. The way you’re feeling about things may also change with time, both in terms of the recent thoughts and feelings as well as in terms of how you relate to those thoughts and feelings. As you mentioned, you have been dealing with a lot in the past little while, and while it may be that these new and unfamiliar thoughts and feelings are confusing and upsetting right now, that does not necessarily mean that things will continue to feel that way.
You may have already found these on our site, but here are a couple of answers from colleagues which relate to what you’re asking about:
Thank you again for having reached out to us, and please feel free to write to us again if you have more questions.
Noah, Neuro/Diversities project coordinator

 

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