Hi Sky!

Thank you for reaching out to us with your worries, I will do my very best to help you out! 🙂 

So what I’m hearing is that you feel like if you were a girl, people would be more accepting of how you act, is that correct? As a girl, certain actions would seem less “strange” and even be validated, right? It’s totally understandable to feel like how you act doesn’t fit with what’s expected of you. It sounds like maybe you don’t act how society wants you to act as a man (not crying, being strong, etc.) which puts a lot of pressure on you and makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself. This is a pressure that a lot of boys face, and is most likely caused by toxic masculinity. 

Toxic masculinity is masculine traits that are taken to the extreme. It’s also when any behavior that isn’t stereotypically masculine will be judged as “weak” and as the person “not being a real man”. Some examples could be showing any emotion aside from anger, being violent and very competitive, being against feminism and anything feminine, objectifying women and being homophobic (usually, it will be a mix of these). The pressure to act masculine can come from oneself, but it usually appears because someone close (parent, friend, lover) promoted such behaviors or criticized a behavior that isn’t considered appropriate. It can even come from content consumed online. A good example of toxic masculinity would be content that promotes being an “alpha male”, which has sadly become quite popular among teenage boys in recent years. 

Toxic masculinity may have an impact on how you perceive genders in general. If you believe that this could be the cause or one of the causes for your discomfort, here are some tips that could help.

• Cultivate critical thinking. Thinking for yourself is a super important lifelong skill to develop. Questioning the way society is, why people judge you the way they do, why some actions are considered feminine or masculine can really help not take things at face value and avoid falling for harmful messages. This includes looking into sources where information was taken from, listening to multiple points of view, and doing your own research (finding research articles on the subject or content created by trustworthy professionals).
• Practice self-love. Understand that you are more than what is expected of you. Only you know who you truly are, so it’s important to be kind toward yourself, especially when society says you shouldn’t be. 
• Learn to express your emotions in a healthy way. Take some time to identify what you’re feeling (sadness, anger, fear, nervousness, happiness, etc.) and accept those emotions. It’s okay to feel and it’s okay to cry. Talk about your feelings with someone that won’t judge. Sometimes, going to a therapist can really help as they are trained to teach people how to understand themselves better.

It could still be interesting to ask yourself what gender matches best with who you are. Do you feel deep down that you are a girl? Or perhaps do you not relate to any gender? Have you ever given it any thought? Sometimes, all someone needs is to use different pronouns or a different name to feel like themselves. A medical transition isn’t always what every trans person needs. If this sounds like you, I’d highly recommend contacting an LGBTQIA+ organization near you to ask about what steps you can take to achieve what you desire for yourself. Talking to a therapist specialized in LGBTQIA+ issues or a sexologist could also be super useful. 

Also, I would like to add that even if you find yourself identifying more with being a girl than a boy, that doesn’t mean that you have to like boys from now on! Gender is different from sexual or romantic attraction. You can be who you are, and love who you love.

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I hope my answer helps you have a better understanding of what you’re going through! I wish you all the best and don’t hesitate to contact us again if needed! 🙂 

Lorena (she/they), sexology student