I always told myself I wouldn’t be one of those people to get tangled in the incestuous web of “the scene”. But just last night, my girlfriend’s boyfriend (maybe soon to be ex boyfriend) ‘s new girlfriend (who used to be with her current boyfriend’s best friend) and my new lover’s boyfriend, who is my girlfriend’s ex girlfriend’s big heartbreak, are all going out to the same place tonight. And that’s not all. My ex ex girlfriend is dating my roommate’s girlfriend’s best friend, and her ex is dating my new girlfriend’s ex ex girlfriend. They’ll be there as well. And, if that weren’t enough, my new crush is my roommate’s ex ex ex girlfriend’s ex girlfriend, and someone my own ex threatened to dump me over.

If I were to draw out a diagram of this mish mash of lust and heartbreaks, I’d have something that looks like a child’s scribble.

So what? Aside from the fact that we’re all dating in a way that would be (almost) normal in a small secluded village up a mountain somewhere, I think that all this in-loving is a manifestation of a queer paradigm shift. For awhile there it was really hip to be polyamorous- the word alone makes my palms sweat- and when that turned out to be a disaster, some queers around here starting saying that monogamy was way more radical. Radical or not, getting down in this city is not getting any simpler.

When we fail at monogamy, we figure it’s the person we’re with, or where we are at in our life (“I’m just not ready to commit”), but never do we consider the idea of monogamy to be inherently flawed. And if we do, it’s recommended we talk ourselves back into it because without that ideal, everything’s a little scary. Seems like no matter how much we fight it, the belief that there’s someone out there that’s going to rock our socks off for all eternity seems important, if not obsessive.

Conversely, when we try out the ol’ multiple partners’ thing, and it bombs, we might blame our failures on commitment issues, and on non-monogamy as a sort of system that works against human intuition and emotion. We don’t analyze it the same way- by the demands of all persons involved and what we ultimately want from our lives at the time.

Being out there, with all these people with past and present partners and lovers makes me feel like I’m dating the entire scene. There’s a real trickle-down effect, you know, only as strong as the weakest link as the saying goes. And I wish I could offer some sort of insight into how to make relationships functional, but I’m as clueless as the next guy. The relationships that seem to work the best in my mind are those that are constantly questioning and reworking themselves, even when it involves bouts of denial, hurt and confusion. All I can say is that whether it’s monogamy or not, you’re always dealing with change and it’s better to go for the ride than opt out every time you’re not the centre of attention.