12 July 2005

I'm not sure about my sexuality. Can you help me?

i am not sure about my sexuality i like this boy but he is not intrested in me and at the same time i want to have sex with a female, but the problem is i only had sex with boys and i am not good in talking with girls i dont know what to do can you help me


Hi Alex!

First of all, thanks for your question! You know, questioning yourself about your own sexuality shows me that you’re tired of living an uncertain sexual life and you finally want to know which way to go. That’s a really good thing but it’s not as simple as it looks! You say that you like boys and you only had sex with them. You’d like to have sex with girls but you’re not good in talking with them. The fact that you only had sex with boys means nothing, it doesn’t mean either that you can’t do the same thing with girls even if you’re not at ease with them. The first thing to ask yourself is “which thing would make me more comfortable?”

Even if you’re not good in talking with girls, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t connect emotionally with them. Maybe you’re not at ease with girls because you’re afraid you might be a lesbian ? Maybe you’re afraid of other people’s reactions (family, friends) to it? When I admitted that I was gay, I wasn’t at ease at all with boys. When I pictured myself as an heterosexual, it was worse, I was scared of boys! I tried not to show too much of this fear and I think I was rather good at it (I liked sports and “boys stuff” so it passed pretty well). I finally realized that this uneasy feeling was caused mainly because I knew deep inside that I liked boys but I was too scared to admit it to myself or to others. When I was able to take this weight off of my shoulders, I felt much better with myself but also with other boys. Now, for me, it’s simple, I’m not attracted to girls at all but you, you’re attracted to boys and girls, so you have to explore to find out what fits you better. If you don’t try to see by yourself, you’ll never know if you’re an heterosexual, a lesbian or a bisexual person.

Sometimes in life, you have to take some risks to reach a goal. You’ve got to trust yourself and not censure you because you’re scared of other people’s reactions. I wish you the best and I hope you will finally find yourself personally and sexually.

Good luck and if you have more questions in the future, feel free to write to us again!