#broken heart
18 March 2008

Story - My Still Broken Heart

I had just turned 18 and my relationship with this guy I had been dating for the previous year or so wasn’t really going well. We were on and off, not sure if our relationship would work. At the time, we were on a break; just to figure out if it was working or not. One day I met this guy online, he was American, 24 years old and he made me laugh!


In less than a month, I broke it off with my guy at the time, fallen in love with the new guy and was completely clueless of my true feelings. He made me laugh, he challenged me and made me think, we both taught each other about ourselves and our culture and difference. We acknowledged that we probably may never be able to be together because of the circumstances. I am a Muslim and he believes in Taoism; we knew our difference, we knew what was coming and our relationship was doomed from the start. Just writing this right now is breaking my heart.

After we’ve talked about why we can’t be together, we stayed together anyway, and I tell you, it was the best time of my life. We talked on the phone eventually, he had told his friends about us and his father too, and my friends adored him and so has my sister. {Both of my best friends became his friends, talking online, talking over the phone and so on.}

All of that happened and I hadn’t even told him that I was in love with him. But of course he knew, he always knew. And that’s when our problems started. Eventually I told him how I felt about him and so did he and that night when we confessed our deep love to each other was the most romantic time of my life. I will never forget that night. The details are pretty much rated R, so I won’t specify, but in short, he proposed to me and I said yes.

Few days after his proposal, I was backing out (unintentionally) and I suppose he noticed, anyway, we were chatting online at the time and I mentioned that we should slow down, and in that same moment he received a call. His father had had a heart attack! My friend and I were together at the time and we were in college sitting in class. My world came crumbling down at that moment.

A week later we were talking on the phone and I could see that his life had changed, we were talking about how to write a eulogy and what he should do about his father’s house and who would take care of his sister and his step mom, and how he will find his mom to tell her about her ex-husband. It was all just too much to handle. But I really didn’t care, I was in love with him and I wished I was there with him to help through his rough times. He mentioned a few times how much he wants me to be there.

About a month later, he disappeared. He wouldn’t answer his phone, he wouldn’t come online. He was gone!

Almost a year later, he comes online and we chat for a while. Of course I am furious with him for leaving. Nothing justifies why he left and he couldn’t even tell me why he left, but he told me he missed me and he wanted me in his life. After a while, I stopped caring that he left and started liking the idea that he was back and that we were talking again. Of course I moved on and didn’t want to be with him anymore but it was good knowing he was around as a friend!

A few weeks after that, he disappears again. I truly stopped caring at the time.

It’s been 3 years since I met him. And there have been ups and downs in our relationship. We talk once or twice a year, he is getting married next month.

The problem is that I don’t think that I ever got over him. No matter whom I date, whom I am with, it always seems that at some point, I remember him and wonder why I still have feelings for him. Was it true love, I wonder!? For me that is…? I don’t know. But I sure do idolize him a lot… because in my version of the story, he is my one and only! And I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone like him, someone that made me feel as good as he made me feel.