28 December 2008

My boyfriend wants to change gender, and I am uncomfortable with that

I’m 18 years old and my boyfriend is 24. He wants to change gender and he knows I’m bisexual. I tried to support him but I’m uncomfortable with this.
Also, he was in a long-distance relationship and I’m pretty sure that he didn’t break-up with this girl, because she is still sending him gifts and love messages.
He knows I am in love with him and I’m scared he’s using me. He has a lot of people who want to be with him and he never tells them that he has a girlfriend.

Dee Gamme

Hi Gill,

Thank you for your question.

It seems like you are confronted with a complex situation. There are multiple issues:

1) there is some ambiguity in this long-distance relationship he may or may not be pursuing ;

2) you have some doubts about his feelings and commitment to you ;

3) he wants to change gender and you are uncomfortable with that decision.

Firstly, did you ask your boyfriend about that other girl who sends him gifts? It’s possible he doesn’t like it, or maybe on the other hand, he is encouraging it. Just as you have mentioned, it’s possible he didn’t break up with her. If that’s true, he is not being a good boyfriend to either of you.

It sounds like he is playing the field, if what you say about him is true: that many people want to be with him and he never mentions you are his girlfriend. If he is ashamed of you, you need to find a better person who will be pleased to have you as their girlfriend !

As for his potential gender change, all you can do is be supportive. But if it really bothers you a lot, this is another reason you shouldn’t be with him. Even if you love him, sometimes certain couples can’t work out in the end. Maybe the best idea would be to take a small break from each other. This would give your boyfriend time to think about whether he’s serious about changing genders. And maybe you would be able to see the way he acts when he is “officially” single. Will he have a new girlfriend quickly? Will he be upset if you try to break up with him? If he continues to have relationships with several people and it makes you feel bad, maybe you will be better off without him.

If you decide to stay with him, supporting his identity might become very difficult for you if you are uncomfortable with it. Transitioning can be a long process and he would need all the support he can get. If you don’t think you are ready for that, again this is one more reason you might need to break up with him. Should you choose to grin and bear it, make sure you are being safe! This person might be sleeping with several people all at once and not telling any of you. If that is the case, always have safe protected sex!

Good luck and let us know if you need any more advice!

Dee, for Alterheros