13 July 2005

I've been wondering a lot if I'm bisexual, gay, or straight ?

I’m 15 and lately I’ve been wondering a lot if I’m bisexual, gay, or straight. I have a girlfriend and I’ve had several before her. I’ve had sexual intercourse with one of my girlfriends before and I enjoyed it, but I’ve always been physically attracted to men, especially guys my age. Shirtless or nude pictures of guys turn me on, but when I see a picture of a woman in underwear it doesn’t turn me on as much. I’ve thought about it and I can’t possibly imagine my partner being a man. I really love my girlfriend and she turns me on whenever we have any sexual contact, but I’m very confused. This has happened to me before but I hadn’t given it much thought until the other day when my girlfriend and I were talking and she told me (jokingly) that she was bi. I told her (jokingly also) that I was bi, too. For some reason or another when I said those words I felt this sensation through me as if I were free, as if I had actually found the true me. But now I’m just worried and confused. I don’t know what I am. I really love my girlfriend, but I am also sexually attracted to men. But I can’t see myself dating or marrying a man-Help!


Thanks for your question, Shawn. It’s an important one because a lot of guys between 13 and 17 years old are having the same thoughts and feelings as you are.

In a way, it’s good that your girlfriend said she’s bi. You’re lucky to have fallen in love with someone who is open about sexuality. And, yes, I can understand that you felt free, and like you had found your true self in saying that you were bisexual too. . As I have said in other responses on this site, your sexual preferences will become clearer with time. Lots of male, jock-type men who are now very heterosexual at 30 years old, felt a sexual tension and got turned on by watching good looking men playing soccer or football when they were in high school. This type of sexual arousal occurs often in a lot of teenagers, especially teenage boys. That’s why a lot of teens experiment. Experimenting does not influence your future sexual orientation. It is just part of becoming sexually mature as you develop into an adult.

Some religious and conservative groups believe that talking about experimenting, suggesting that teens experiment, or just talking about same-sex attraction will lead to teens becoming homosexual. This is complete and absolute nonsense. Sexual attraction comes from deep within us, it is a feeling of fantasy, desire and sexuality that we can not change. How people choose to live their sexuality is their choice. For instance, some people live quietly with their partners while others scream and shout during gay pride parades!

Remember that your sexuality is yours alone. It is a deeply personal issue, and not everyone has to know about it. If you know that your parents will not tolerate your bisexuality or homosexuality, then maybe it’s best if you don’t tell them.

What is important is that you surround yourself with friends who respect you for who you are and not based on your sexuality. It is of the utmost importance to be honest and open with your sexual partner (in this case your girlfriend) because if you truly love and trust someone and share a sexual relationship with that person, they should know about your sexual orientation and your true feelings towards them.

Read through some of the other questions and answers on the Alterheros website: you will find answers that will help you better understand sexual attraction, lust, love and intercourse and the different concepts of human emotions and sexuality that may explain how you can have sexual fantasies when looking at attractive men without wanting to be in a relationship with a man.

If you choose to experiment, please be honest with your girlfriend, and try to  use a condom, whether you’re having sex with a woman or a man.