16 March 2009

Is she slowly stealing my boyfriend's attention from me?

So I’ve been been with my boyfriend for almost a year but I noticed that he started hanging out with a group of girls. One of the girls is one he used to like. At first I asked him what was up but he said nothing. After awhile i noticed that he hung out with a different girl in particular, if we are in class and he walks in, the first person he goes to is her…..then me. There was even a point where I wouldn’t be able to find him and when I did, he’d be with them. I’ve tried not thinking anything about it but he just makes me wonder. I also think that the feelings are mutual because she always looks for him and today I was talking to a friend and I mentioned his name, she turned her head so fast, I could have sworn she got whiplash. I don’t want to take his friends away from him but at the same time I want to know what the hell is up.

Rimma Orenman

Hi Jane,

Apologies for the belated reply.

From what you write, it seems like you have noticed that your boyfriend is showing interest in another girl and you are wondering what his intentions are.

First, let me say that I can see that you have put a lot of thought into the issue. Clearly it must hurt when it seems like your boyfriend is paying attention to another girl, at times that you would expect he should be paying attention to you. At the same time, it sounds like you are trying hard to let him have his space and time to interact with his friends and other new people he meets.

Now I’d like you to think about other times that you and your boyfriend are together. Has anything changed in those interactions? Do you talk together as much? Do you share intimate thoughts and feelings like before? Do you find your boyfriend distant in other ways? Answers to these questions may give you more clues as to your boyfriend’s feelings towards your relationship together.

In any case, I suggest that you find a quiet time when both you and your boyfriend are relaxed to talk to him about your concerns. Talk about things you’ve observed and how they have made you feel. For example, “It seems to me that often when we are in class, you go to see … [girl’s name]… first, and only afterwards come and see me. I know she is your friend, but it makes me feel hurt and as if you didn’t like me as much as before.” Do modify this example in order to express your own feelings. Do not blame your boyfriend or make accusations that are unfounded. Allow him to express his thoughts and feelings. Maybe he too feels hurt in some way.

Hopefully, the two of you can come to an agreement that satisfies both of you.

It may be that your boyfriend is questioning your relationship and wondering whether instead he is more interested in this other girl. Then you can decide together — are there some things you can do together (like a fun, romantic date) that will renew your relationship?

Whatever his feelings, you know that by talking to him honestly you will be able to know the truth about the situation and make your own decisions accordingly.

I hope this helps. Please write again if you have any further questions.

Rimma, for Alterheros.