22 March 2008

Is my boyfriend still in love with me?

I have an egyptian boyfriend and love him so much and I felt that he loved me too before he went on vacation.
Since he came back from his vacation I feel he is different. He is not the same as before. He has obviously changed. Many times I attempted to ask him what is going on, but he has told me nothing as of yet. I caught him lying, e.g. he asked me to use my PC because he wanted to chat with his mother & sisters late at night, but when I woke up I saw somebody, a lady, stripping on web cam. And I heard him whispering on the phone, saying I MISS YOU A LOT; he also said I LOVE YOU, and that hurt me so much. When I asked him about it, he just told me he was joking. I also think this woman is his neighbour. On the other hand, he told me he doesn’t love this girl, and that he loves me very much. But now I don’t know if he is telling me the truth, because every time I ask him about her, he gets angry and asks me why I don’t believe him.
My question is: is he still in love with me, or did he totally change?

Kay Wo

Hi Ronald,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. There seems to be a lot going on in your head right now regarding some changes you are noticing from your boyfriend. Let’s discuss some of your feelings.

From your story, it sounds like your boyfriend’s behaviour changed after he went on vacation and some of the things that he’s doing is making you question whether or not he’s being truthful to you and whether or not he still loves you. It’s good to hear that you are sensitive to your boyfriend’s actions and that you’re asking him if something is happening in his life; it shows that you really care about him and your relationship.

It is understandable that you might be suspicious that something has changed with him after hearing your description about the lady stripping on your PC and hearing him say, “I miss you a lot” and “I love you” to someone else when you don’t know who that other person is.

Something to be concerned about is that his actions are starting to hurt you and your feelings. This can be a very difficult time in a relationship because you’re both questioning each others’ trust. In order for you not to get hurt anymore by him and this relationship, you need to communicate with him and make some decisions so that you can resolve this conflict.

Let’s go over some communication techniques that may help you talk things through with your boyfriend. Before you confront him about your feelings, make sure that you’re both relaxed and have the time to talk things through. Speak to him seriously and honestly about your suspicions regarding the nature of his relationship with this woman.

Try not to accuse him of anything so that he doesn’t become angry with you for not believing him. It’s a good idea to just say the things that you wrote in your letter to us. Start out by telling him that you feel like he’s changed after his vacation and that some of the things he’s done makes you suspicious, like the situation with the lady stripping on cam and also overhearing him whispering on the other line.

Make sure he knows that even if he was joking about it, you didn’t think it was funny and that it hurt your feelings. Hopefully he will be sensitive to your feelings and he can maybe give you a better explanation for his actions. If he gets angry or frustrated with you and refuses to talk about it then you have to make a difficult decision: can you keep seeing him as your boyfriend if you are always questioning his behaviour? Can you believe him when he says that he loves you when his actions make you feel like he’s not respecting your feelings?

It is up to you to either forgive him for his actions and believe him when he says that he loves you or to accept the fact that he has changed and that these changes in behaviour may be too great for you to want to believe in what he says. Think things through carefully; only you can decide what is best for you. Follow your heart and follow your instincts and rely on friends and family if you need more support.

Hopefully this has helped you in figuring out how to confront this situation. Good luck and feel free to write us again if you have any more questions,

K-Wo, for AlterHeroes