19 April 2005

Is it usual to still doubt my sexual orientation if I'm 19?

Hi! Since I was 15, I knew I like other men. I’ve been with about 10 different women, and I like it. However, sometimes I feel I like men a bit, and even I feel that I could prefer men to women. I thought that I was bisexual, and even that I could be gay. Last summer, I had sex again with a different guy, and this time I like it but less. I started to think I preferred women; however again I’m feeling attracted to other men. I think I’m not able to feel sometimes attracted to men, and then to women. This is too confusing for me. I often feel that if I have no girlfriend it could be just because I’m gay, however then I think it’s not true because sometimes I feel really attracted to women. What can I do? How can I do how to act? Should I have to still being straight? Should I have to be b or gay? Is there any way to know better what I really feel? Is it usual to feel sometimes one thing and then the opposite one (gay/straight)? Is it usual to still doubt if I’m 19? I’m so confused! Thanks – Jaime


Hi Jamie,

It is very normal to still be questioning when you are 19-years old. There are not any rules stating that you must figure out your sexuality by a certain age. There are plenty of people who continue to question and redefine their sexuality as they get older.

Given that you have said you are attracted to both men and women, if you are concerned with finding a definition for yourself, you could call yourself bisexual. Bisexual does not mean that you have to like men and women equally, or even in the same ways. Some people find it easier to have mental and emotional relationships with one gender, but connect better physically or sexually with another gender, and it’s totally fine !

As for your questions on what to do and how to act, I would just suggest that you have fun, relax, and continue exploring your feelings. If something feels good – a date with a female, kissing a male – go for it. If it doesn’t feel good, if the attraction is not there, or if you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. Give yourself time to explore and figure out your identity. Remember that there’s no deadline by which you need to have labeled your sexual identity.

Good luck!