26 June 2007

I'm in love with my best friend who is a male. Does it make me bisexual or homosexual?

I just graduated from college and told my best male straight friend that I have fallen madly in love with him the day before we received our diplomas. I have been in denial over these feelings for over a year now, as I wasn’t even able to tell myself for the longest time. I have always been attracted to girls; though have never had a sexual experience with them or anyone else for that matter. I have fantasized about girls many times, but have never had a passion for anyone like I have for my best male friend. I deeply love him, but he isn’t that way even though amazingly he still wants me as his close friend. What do I do? Am I definitely bisexual? And also, how do I cope with the heartbreaking feelings of knowing that I can’t be with him in this way? This is extremely difficult and I honestly don’t know what to do. My career is also in the public eye, so I need to be careful about whom I talk sexually based things to.

François Paquette

Hi Michael!

Thanks for your question. If I understand well, you are in love with your best friend, a straight guy, but he doesn’t feel the same way. You have two specific questions, one on your sexual orientation, and the other with the way to cope with your feelings for your friend, as he still wants to see you as a friend.

First of all, only you can tell if you are heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. Here are some questions that you can ask yourself: are you attracted to others guys or just your friend? Did you have emotional attraction for girls or only fantasies?

And I must confess that I have a little difficulty with the word “definitely”, for an attraction. There is a possibility that your attractions will stay the same throughout your life. But there is also a possibility that you will be attracted to only one guy, your best friend, and the rest of attractions would be for women. Life is unpredictable!

Also, for the difficulty of maintaining a friendship when one is in love with the other: I clearly understand that this could be an uncomfortable situation for both of you. But there is a possibility that your relationship as friends might be reinforced by the time you’ll feel better. If it is too difficult right now to be near your friend, it might be a good idea to spend some time apart to realize if you want to continue this friendship or not.

Yes, it is difficult. You have passed through some though moments experiencing the fact that your feelings were not shared by the beloved one. Remember that support from other friends or from a professional (sexologist or psychologist) might be helpful if you feel you need it.

Hope it helps,

François, for AlterHeros