5 April 2008

I had an abortion for my boyfriend, and now he tells me he does not love me anymore

I have been with my boyfriend for one and a half year. Recently, he has changed so much, and he’s no longer the guy I once fell for.
Last year, I aborted our baby because he told me that he didn’t want to be tied down. After what happened, he started to refrain from making love to me by using his religion as an excuse all of a sudden so that he doesn’t have to deal with the responsibility for getting me pregnant again.
Now, he acts secretively as though he has someone else in his life. He used to be very loving towards me. I thought that he would appreciate & cherish me more after what happened. I even agreed not to mention anything about marriage as he has no intention to settle down.
He treats me nicely when he’s in the mood but he also hurts me and treats me like badly most of the time, especially when he is asking me why am I still upset over an aborted baby. Yesterday, he told me that he doesn’t love me anymore. How can I make him love me again?

Équipe -Pose ta question!-


Thank you for your question. You seem to be in a very complex situation and it must be hard for you to go through such a hard time.

I would first like to tell you that you should never accept being hurt or treated badly. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Getting aborted is a very difficult event that sometimes men have trouble to understand since it is the woman who has to undergo the abortion. If I understood correctly, you got this operation mostly for your boyfriend; how do you feel about your choice now, and do you think you made the right decision? If there are any doubts in your mind about the abortion it is totally normal that it takes time to get over it. You have to give yourself time to get over this abortion because it is something important and painful for you, and even more so if your choice was made because of someone else and not for yourself.

When I read your question, I am wondering how much you actually talked to your boyfriend about all of these issues. It seems to me that there are a lot of assumptions that would need to be clarified. You might want to talk to him about the state of your relationship, how you feel about your abortion and everything else that might be on your mind.

If he is not receptive to this discussion, you have to seriously consider he may not be the loving, supportive person you thought he was in the beginning of your relationship, and you may even consider getting away from such a negative relationship.

In addition, I am also worried about your state of mind and about the lack of support you are describing. Have you been able to discuss this issue with family members or friends? Do you have access to -and the means to afford- psychological care? If you are truly depressed, you should see a doctor, who can refer you to adequate services and/or prescribe medications, if necessary.

Symptoms of depression include changes in your sleep, appetite, concentration, energy, weight, and lack of pleasure while doing activities you usually enjoy. You can also have suicidal ideations when you are depressed. Again, I think it is important in this situation that you reach out to loved ones who care about you.

On the other hand, I unfortunately don’t think you can make someone love you, but you can try to remind him why he got involved with you in the first place (your common interests, goals, values, or plans for the future).

Because there are many other details of your life I don’t know, I cannot tell you what to do, but I want to remind you that you should be in a relationship that you feel good about, with someone who loves you and cares about you.

You might want to ask yourself if it is the case with your current relationship, and whether it is worthwhile for you to continue to suffer for someone who is not giving you the love, care and respect you deserve.

I hope this helped clarify your situation. Please feel free to ask again if you have any other questions,

Karine, for Alterheroes