6 December 2007

I am straight, but I have feelings for a girl

A lot of the guys at my work always flirt with me and ask me for my number and want to hangout, but I’m never interested in them because I am too busy focusing on this girl at work that might be bisexual. I’m straight and I never felt like this towards a girl until I met her. All I do is daydream about her. We talk a lot at work. A lot of people think she is bisexual and she is always making eye contact with me from across the room and turning away with a smile if I catch her, and I do the same thing. She also touches me from behind and makes me super nervous… But she has been talking about her ex for a while who is a guy so I’m so confused about whether she is bi and what to do… I really want to know if she’s into me, but if she’s not, that will make both of us very uncomfortable and embarrassed at work, especially because this is the only girl I have ever had feelings like this for… Please help! Thanks.

Evelyn Kuang

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your question. From what you tell me, it sounds like you get along well with this girl at work. Whether you feel comfortable enough, and confident enough about your friendship with her to tell her about the way you feel, is ultimately up to you to decide.

On the other hand, it seems like she is rather flirty with you, even though I cannot say for sure because it can be hard to read signals as everyone behaves differently in a relationship. Giving some time for this relationship to evolve, as well as letting things happen naturally and spontaneously might be your best bet in figuring out whether she is interested in you, without causing embarrassment or discomfort for either of you. Just remember that the basis for any relationship is friendship, and if you don’t yet feel comfortable enough talking to her about how you feel, it could be a good idea to let your friendship develop more on its own before having this discussion with her.

In addition, you mentioned some uncertainties about identifying yourself as a straight, or heterosexual individual, yet liking a girl. You also expressed confusion about her suggestive behavior around you, which was concurrent with her speaking about her ex-boyfriend. I just wanted to let you know that sexual identity and sexual behavior do not always fit into neat categories of heterosexuals, homosexuals or even bisexuals. For example, even though you see yourself as being “straight” or heterosexual does not mean you can only date men. Sexual identity and sexual behavior are not fixed in time and space. Our other desires, goals and needs change in life and over time, and our sexual identities and sexual behavior are no exception.

I believe that, whether you choose to label yourself with a certain identity, or not label yourself at all, the decision remains up to YOU, and people should respect your choice to self-identify or not to identify at all. No one else has the right to impose their judgments about what they consider your identity or hers to be.

Thanks again for your question, and please don’t hesitate if you have more questions…

Evelyn, for Alterheros