13 March 2008

I am really attracted to a guy, but I am not sure if I am gay or bisexual

I have become very attracted to a guy friend who is also a fellow university student in the same graduate program I am in. I think about him constantly and feel so at ease with him. I have feelings that I cannot explain when I am close to him. I do not know if I am gay or bisexual. I want to tell him but do not know how he would react. I think he would react well but I am so unsure. It keeps me awake at night, what should I do?

lauren delrio

Hi JP,

Thank you for your question.

It sounds like you are worried about your sexual orientation based on feelings you have for another man. You are also wondering whether you should tell him, and how he might react.

I think the first thing you have to realize is that “gay” and “bisexual” are labels we have chosen to use, as a society, for the sake of convenience. Just because you can choose one of these to describe your sexual orientation does not mean you have to; it is perfectly acceptable to question your sexual orientation. It is far more important to follow your own desires and feelings than to attempt to conform to one of the sexual orientation labels.

One of the ways you can clarify your sexual orientation is to get in contact with other indivuals who have experienced a similar situation, either through online support groups or community centers where you can attend groups and meet new people.

That being said, it is clear that you have feelings for this person. The question of whether or not to tell someone about your feelings is difficult, but I find it is always better to be open and honest. It sounds like you are most afraid this person will condemn you for your sexual orientation, and that is always a risk, but it might be better to recognize that this person will not accept you now rather than later. If he does not react well, perhaps he is not the kind of person who respects you enough to be your friend or your companion.

If you want to discuss this further, I would recommend speaking to a counselor or another trusted person, who might be able to help you with your particular situation. Please don’t hesitate to write back if you have any more questions!

Good luck!

Lauren, for AlterHeros