9 November 2008

I am not in the mood for sex since my boyfriend cheated on me

Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years now. We are both 21 years old. I had my daughter almost 3 and 1/2 years ago. Our sex life was great before that, then my boyfriend had sex with another girl behind my back over several months. I know he is truly sorry for what he has done. It is painful for me to have intercourse and it seems like I am never in the mood. The affair took place 3 years ago. we are finding it very hard to get back on track with this problem. I never feel in the mood for sex and seem to carry on without it fine. However I know at 21 I should not feel this way. I just wondered if you had any advice for me. Many thanks.

Rimma Orenman

Hello Dolly,

Thank you for your question. I understand that you are concerned about your sexual intimacy with your boyfriend. I also understand that there are certain stressors in your lives that may contribute to difficulties with sexual intimacy and desire.

You mention that your boyfriend had a sexual relationship with someone else– this must have been very jarring, very sad for you, and may have shattered some of the trust that you had in your boyfriend, a trust that you are now trying to rebuild. Not trusting somebody may affect our desire to be sexually intimate with him or her. If this is the case, I congratulate you for trying to work it out. You may find that talking to your boyfriend about your feelings is helpful. You may consider solliciting outside help, like couple therapy. Most importantly, I would like to remind you that it is essential to first look within yourself and consider what are your true desires–in terms of your relationship and your sexual activity. Keeping a diary may be helpful. No one should be forcing you into something you do not want.

Another source of stress is a young child in the home and the hectic lifestyle that may come hand in hand with raising a family. Do you feel supported by your partner in your role as mother? Do the two of you have opportunities for emotional intimacy? Dates? Foreplay? Often women feel that their role changes, from sexual being to mother, after they accept a child into their lives. The physical changes that occur during pregnancy, parturition, and lactation may also affect a woman’s expression and experience of her sexuality in ways that vary from one individual to the next. One way to safely explore our sexual desires, “turn-ons,” and ways of satisfying ourselves sexually is through fantasy and masturbation. These are the kinds of issues that I would encourage you to explore, first for yourself and then if you feel comfortable, with your boyfriend. You may find the help of a sexologist or individual and/or couple therapist useful as well.

Finally, if you are experiencing significant pain during intercourse, spotting between your periods, irregular periods, fevers, a change in the quality, colour, or smell of your vaginal discharge, burning on urination, or abdominal pain, I would encourage you to consult a physician as he or she may want to rule-out a gynecological issue like, for example, a pelvic infection.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any other questions,


Rimma, for Alterheros.