22 July 2003

Am I bisexual and won't admit it?

I came out as a lesbian a year ago and since then, I have had one female relationship and three strictly sexual relationships with men. I’m not attracted to men at all, but for some reason I keep going towards them. I don’t understand why I do this. I feel terrible and disgusting afterwards. Am I bisexual and won’t admit it?

Équipe -Pose ta question!-

Hi Amy,
this sounds like a confusing situation for you. You recently came out as lesbian, which probably took a lot of soul searching, courage, and strength. Now that you’ve come through this process, you find yourself having sexual relationships with men and you’re questioning your orientation again.

First of all, this is very normal. Sexual orientation is not necessarily a static thing. Some men felt happy in a heterosexual marriage for years before they fell in love with another man and started identifying as gay. Some women occasionally have sex with people of other genders and still identify as lesbian. Each person’s story is unique.

Sexual orientation is not an either / or question. Sex researcher Kinsey explained sexual orientation as a scale with exclusive homosexuality on one end (all sex, fantasies, and romance with the same gender), exclusive heterosexuality on the other (all sex, fantasies, and romance with another gender), with a whole lot of people in between. It’s possible to be closer to one end of the scale than the other – where someone only wants a relationship with women, but might fantasize or have sex with men or non-binary people every so often. These labels are meant to let people on the outside get a better understanding of who you are, but they’re far from perfect. The most important thing is what feels right to you.

In the meantime, you might want to think about some questions. What part of the situation makes you feel terrible? How do you feel about sex outside of a long-term romantic relationship? Do you enjoy sex with men while it’s happening? Sex can be fantastic, but it’s important to remember that you’re the one who gets to decide what you do, and who you do it with. How would you feel if you were bisexual? If you weren’t?

There are lots of places that you can call to talk some more about this. Interligne is available at 514-866-0103 and Tel-Aide is open 24 hours a day at 514-935-1101.

Team AlterHéros