Hi Joanne,

Thanks for your question.

In terms of whether you made the ‘right’ decision or not, I am not sure that’s a question anyone can answer for you, as I think that is more about what is most right for you and for your relationship with your wife.

I think it’s really understandable that given how your wife reacted to your painted nails, pierced ears, and woman’s hair style that you would feel like you had to hide the fact that you have started taking hormones and hormone blockers from her. It also makes sense that given her reaction in that situation that you were worried that your wife might have tried to talk you out of taking hormones if you had told her and that you therefore did not tell her.

It’s really brave that you’re planning to show your wife the real you. I hope she reacts well and realizes that Joanne is who you are and that she’s able to accept you as you and for you. That said, with the information you’ve given in your question, it sounds like there’s also a chance that your wife might react badly to seeing you when you’re not hiding parts of yourself. She may be angry that you did not to tell her about taking hormones, and she may not know how to react to being presented with changes that she may not have been aware were happening. That doesn’t mean that you made the ‘wrong’ decision, but it might be something to prepare yourself for. If you’re not already planning to do so, you might consider having the friend who has been supporting you or someone else you feel you can rely on as a support available for when you let your wife see you this weekend.

If you feel like the decisions you’ve made about how your body looks, how you dress, and how you identify are what’s right for you, then you’ve made the right decision. It’s possible that it may have been better to include your wife in what has been going for you earlier in the process, but again, it also sounds like there are some very valid reasons why you felt you could not be fully open with your wife about having started hormones, etc.

It’s possible your wife will react in ways that are not based in anger, but more based in wishing she had been more willing to receive you for who you are and therefore could have accompanied you through starting hormones and other similar decisions. It’s also possible that she may react out of ignorance and fear. In such cases, it may be helpful for your wife to seek out resources designed for partners of transgender people so that she has somewhere to talk and process her emotions without putting all of those emotions onto you. You may also decide that you want to access such resources together, or that you want to look into some kind of other support such as counselling if that is something you can access/afford.

Ultimately, if your wife reacts to you in ways that make you feel scared or not respected and appreciated for who you are, it might be important to consider whether or not you think your relationship will allow you to be your genuine self. If it’s only okay with your wife when you’re Joanne part-time, and you’re Joanne all the time, then maybe it means your wife is not ready or willing to be with Joanne. These kinds of realizations and decisions can be extremely difficult, and I hope that things work out for the best, but if they don’t, remember that doesn’t mean you are wrong in any way for having the courage to be your most authentic self.