Should I risk our friendship by telling her I like her?

Hi itachi,

Thanks so much for writing to us at AlterHéros with your question. From what you’ve written, it sounds like a girl that you’ve been friends with your whole life has recently become someone you’ve started to like. You want to tell her this but you’re worried that it would ruin your friendship, whether you get your friends to ask her or whether you ask her yourself.

Knowing that you’ve already experienced what it’s like to ruin a friendship with not one but two different friends, it is understandable that you’re scared to wreck what you have already with this girl. So you’re looking for some specific signs that she likes you before you risk anything, right? Generally speaking, when a person likes another person, he or she shows it by trying to spend lots of one on one time with the person of interest. However, wanting to hang out a lot is also something that a good friend would like to do and is not a dependable sign of someone liking you. Overall, spending time trying to read any signs that she may or not be giving can be confusing and frustrating and probably won’t help you figure out whether or not she actually likes you.

Though you don’t say it in your question, it seems like you want to start dating your friend, or at least take your relationship to a new, closer level. This is the time where you have to decide whether or not you want to risk your friendship to find out whether or not she would be interested in seeing you more seriously. The worst thing that will happen is that she doesn’t want that kind of relationship with you and she decides to turn away from your friendship. The best situation is that she is interested and you start dating. Or she might say that she’s not interested but still wants to be friends with you (you are a funny guy after all!). The bottom line is that if you are not willing to risk your friendship, then it might be best to stay on the friendship level and keep things as they are. However, if staying just friends is too frustrating, you might want to try casually asking her if she’s interested in you.

If you do decide to ask her how she feels, one of the most important things to keep in mind is to stay casual. Choose a moment when you’re alone together and just relaxing. You can try saying something like, “Hey you know, I really like chillin’ with you. We spend so much time together, it’s like we’re dating. Could you ever see us dating each other?” See what she has to say. If she brushes you off and you’re not sure what her answer is, be persistent. Say something like, “Really? I could see us dating. It’d be chill.” Take it from there. If you feel that she’s feeling uncomfortable with your questions, just stay casual and say something like, “Hey, no need to panic, just throwing the idea out there. You can’t blame a guy for trying right?” Hopefully that will help diffuse any tension.

As frustrating as it is to not know whether or not someone is into you when you’re into them, this is something that will come up again and again in your life. Learning to ask a girl upfront if they’re interested in you is a skill that you’re going to need until you no longer need to look for a partner. It’s great that you’re getting practice so early on; once you master this skill, you’ll find it will help you a lot in your future. Hopefully this will help you decide what you’re going to do with the girl that you’ve come to like. Good luck with whatever you decide and feel free to update us with any news or any new questions you might have.


K-Wo for AlterHéros

About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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