She’s bi and flirts with me, so why won’t she go out with me?


Hi Xxavier,

Thanks for coming to us with your question. I’ll try to help as best I can.

So you are friends with a girl who is bi. Not long after becoming friends with her, you let her know that you were romantically interested in her but she was dating someone at the time, now she’s not. You say that she flirts with you and sometimes gets jealous when you are out with other girls. You also feel that you two have a good friendship. You also indicated that even though she’s single now she still doesn’t want to go out with you and you are having trouble understanding why she is bi.

Alright, first off, being bisexual means that you are attracted to both sexes. Therefore, if your friend is bi and single and your only concern here is that you would like to be her boyfriend or go out with her, the fact that she is bi is irrelevant.

If what you really mean is that she is gay, meaning she is only attracted to her own sex, then you are barking up the wrong tree if you hope to be romantically involved with her. I understand that she might be giving you mixed signals but there could be other explanations for her flirting and jealousy. If she’s gay, there’s very little chance she’d end up going for someone of the opposite sex, so you should set your sights elsewhere and save yourself a lot of heartache. If you like this girl as a friend, then you should of course remain friends with her but you shouldn’t allow your friendship to get in the way of you meeting someone who you actually stand a chance of being romantically involved with.

As for you being curious as to why your friend is “bi”: There is no one reason or even a list of reasons why someone is gay or bi. It’s a sexual preference. It’s not really something anyone chooses in a conscious way. It’s not a decision you make like which car to buy or what line of work to go into. It’s like your favorite flavor of ice cream, there’s no thought process behind it. It’s just what you like.

Getting back to your situation with your friend. Let’s say she is attracted to males, flirting with you and being jealous of other girls you spend time with could be a sign that she likes you. She might be unsure of her feelings. Perhaps she likes you but she values your friendship too much to risk it. On the other hand, she might not actually be attracted to you and she just flirts with you because she likes the attention she gets back from you in return. She might get jealous of other girls because she knows that if you start dating another girl, you won’t have as much time for her.

It’s a tricky situation. I can honestly say that I’ve personally been involved in similar situations at least 20 times in my life and just about everyone I know could probably say the same. Your best bet it to have a very honest talk with your friend. Tell her that you really like her and want to date her but if she doesn’t feel the same way, you have to move on and find another girl to date. Tell her that she should try to keep the flirting to minimum because it messes with your emotions and that it’s not fair that she acts all jealous when you hang out with other girls and she should cut it out if she wants to stay friends.

Try to avoid being a jerk when talking to her about this. If you feel you won’t be able to handle only being friends with her, if she doesn’t want do go out with you, then maybe it would be better in the long run, to just end things with her. Don’t stay friends with her forever thinking that she’ll come around eventually, only to become fed up at some point and sever all ties with her, after she’s grown to depend on you as a close friend. This would be really hard on both of you.

A couple of other pieces of wisdom I can instill in you, from my own experience: When you do meet another girl you like, try and make your intentions as clear as possible from the get go, without being rude of course. It’s a lot harder to start up something romantic with someone after they’ve already begun to think of you as a friend. I’m sure you’ve heard that one before. If you do remain friends with this girl, and you start dating another girl, avoid telling your new girlfriend that you used to have feelings for your friend. I’m not saying you should lie, but this sort of thing can be very problematic.

One other thing, if you do remain friends with this girl you like and after you start dating someone else, she suddenly decides that she does actually like you back, in my opinion, you should stay away from this person. Doing this would just show that she has no regard for your feelings or best interests. Some people just want what they can’t have. She’d likely just grow bored of you after she has your undivided attention again.

I don’t want to assume too much about this person. I’m just trying to give you some advice based on my experiences so take this all with a grain of salt. If things are meant to be with this girl then you’ll end up together in the end. Just make sure you do what’s right for you.

Good luck! Feel free to write back with any additional questions or updates.

Best,

Philip for AlterHéros


About Philip Borden

Philip holds a baccalaureate in philosophy.

I enjoyed being involved with "Tell the experts" because I was looking for a way to help queer youth and I really enjoyed answering most of the questions so far. I feel I’m good at it and it feels good to help with people’s problems.

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