My friend still leads me on after she said she doesn’t like me that way

Hey Stephanie,

We're so glad that you decided to write us back with an update. First of all, it's great to hear that you took the time to talk about your feelings with your friend; some people are too scared to even do that so you deserve kudos for your courage. Secondly, we're sorry that the chat you had ended up sucking. It really doesn't sound like you're satisfied with the outcome of your conversation with her, especially since you're still confused as to what she wants from you. Even though you brought up all the reasons why she makes you feel like she's leading you on, she kept shutting you down by saying that it's because “you're friends” or that she treats all her friends that way. Not only that, even after two months, she's STILL doing things that make you feel like you're being led on (e.g. how she wants to hold you closely and tightly, that she hopes that hugs with you would last forever, that you have a good body, pretty eyes and that you're really sweet etc…).

Now that you've had a chance to speak with her and that you know her side of the story, you can start deciding on what to do with your situation. When it comes to friendship or romantic partners, both people in the relationship should be happy with what the other person brings to the table. You always have a choice when it comes to the people you want to be friends with and the people you want as your partner. Think about this girl that you have a crush on and try and figure out how she contributes to your life and try answering the following questions:

1. What are the reasons that make you want to be friends with her (the pros)?

2. What are the things you dislike (the cons) that you wish could change?

3. Do pros outweigh the cons? Do you still want to maintain your friendship, even though you feel that she's leading you on and making you feel confused?

4. If you're really unhappy because of how much she's confusing you with her mixed signals, would you be willing to tell her that she needs to stop doing the things that make you feel like she's leading you on, even if it means that you might lose her friendship?

If you answered, “No” to questions 3 and 4, it looks like you've made up your mind in concluding that the friendship is not worth the confusion it costs you. However, if you answered, “Yes” to questions 3 and 4, it seems that you are willing to work on things and potentially risk your friendship with the hopes of making things better and less confusing for you.

If you decide to confront her, one thing that you must do is tell her exactly what she does that makes you feel confused and to ask her to stop doing them. That last part is really important; she has to know that she can't continue what she's doing because you don't appreciate it and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you can catch her when she's actually doing the thing that bothers you (e.g. telling you that she wants to hold your hand or hug you etc…), it's even better because you'll be able to point to her out exactly what gets to you. Hopefully, if you do this in a friendly but serious way, she will learn to stop doing the things that have been bothering you for so long.

Unfortunately, we cannot tell you what your friend wants from you exactly. It could be that she just really enjoys your friendship and affection and that the way she treats you is the way that she shows it. Or maybe she has some other motivation. The only way you can really know is to ask her and believe whatever she tells you. If she is a good friend, she will tell you the truth.

Hopefully this helps you in figuring out what you want to do about your relationship. These things can be pretty tricky especially when you're dealing with your first girl crush on a girl who keeps sending you mixed signals. Once again, please let us know how things go and write again if you have any updates or questions you would like to share. Good luck!


K-Wo for AlterHéros

About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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