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25 février 2024

I'm wondering if I'm bi but I accept whoever I am!

Hey! For a few months now, I’ve been thinking a lot about my sexuality. I think I’m bi. But here’s where I am a bit confused: I only fall in love with men, but I’d rather have sex with women (I’m still a virgin, but I sometimes fantasize about women). I’m still young and naive and I don’t have much experience in love and sex (never had a boyfriend and I’m not really in the lookout for a relationship), but I feel bad. I don’t want to objectify women, but that’s how I feel: fall in love with a man, have sex with women. Am I a horrible person?! >.< I still haven't told ANYONE about this. But I really do want to talk to someone about my bisexuality. Is it just a phase? Is it wrong of me for feeling this way about men and women? Should tell anyone (I do have a bi male friend, but he never ever talks about it)? Anyway, I really don't know what to do or how to feel. Whatever the answer, I accept and love who I am. I still love to love, whatever the sex. Thank you! 🙂

Hillary Greer

Hi Nad, thanks for writing to Alterheros with your question!

I understand your confusion about your sexuality and your desire to figure it all out! I think that it is wonderful and important that you aren't particularly bothered by what the ‘answer' might be, and that from what I understand, you just want the answer so you can proceed accordingly. It can be difficult living in uncertainty of any kind, especially when it is uncertainty about yourself.

That being said, sometimes the answers just don't come that easily or quickly! Sometimes we need to accept uncertainty. It's ok and important to allow yourself the time to really discover who you are and become who you want to be. However, Nad, you seem pretty certain about what you like: You like men and women, but in different ways and for different reasons. But from what I understand this doesn't really seem simple or like one of the ‘answers' that you were looking for. You could be bisexual, you could be a lesbian, you could be heterosexual and simply like to fantasize about women but never decide to do anything about it. I'm confused about why you would consider this is ‘objectifying' women? Being attracted to someone, fantasizing about them, is completely normal – whether the object of your attraction is a man or a woman. Also, I feel that there is a horrible connotation to the term ‘phase' when associated with discovering our sexualities. It is certainly possible that this is a part of your exploration, growth, and development, but does that make it less real or important?

You ask if I think you should tell anyone about your confusion and feelings. I think that being open with the different people in your life is a liberating experience and in an ideal world we wouldn't have to think twice about doing this. But, Nad, I don't know who the people are that you have around you and so only you can decide what's best. Do you have anyone that you feel you can trust with this kind of information and disclosure? If not, I would advise you to seek some kind of support whether from a community group (check out www.headandhands.ca) or maybe from your school counsellor. Keeping all of this inside can be hard sometimes, and talking about it with someone who has an open mind might help you to figure some stuff out!

I hope that was helpful for your Nad, please don`t hesitate to come back to Alterheros if you have more questions.

Hillary, for Alterheros.

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