28 février 2009

I'm a lesbian, so why am I attracted to one man in particular?

i’m 29 and living now here in rome. for 11 years i’m living as a lesbian, and i’m happy with who i am.been with a live in relationship that lasted for 3 years then all of a sudden i felt something like being confused. i started admiring a man, imagining being with him then after a day i felt disgusted or yucky on thinking that i’m with him. it happen twice.
am i really a lesbian? why do i feel like this? thanks a lot and looking forward for your answer.

Kay Wo

Hi jevy,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. From your post, it sounds as though you’re experiencing some confusion when it comes to your lesbian identity and it’s all stemming from some fantasies you’ve had about a particular man.

After going through a coming out process and happily living as a lesbian for 11 years, it can be a bit startling to start having feelings of attraction or admiration for a man. You should know however, that this is not an uncommon occurrence for a lesbian identified woman. Sexual orientation is often described as fluid because of its sometimes fickle nature. Straight women who have liked men their whole lives may experience a sexual orientation dysphoria and become attracted to a particular woman or women in general. This also holds true for lesbians; they may also suddenly feel a desire to be with a man or to start relationships with men. Rest assured that you are not the only one who has gone through this kind of confusion and it’s common to feel a little disillusioned because of it.

The reason behind this kind of change in feelings can be triggered by a variety of things. It may be because you’re living in a new city and you’re meeting a variety of different people. It could be because you’ve met a particular man that tickles your fancy in just the right way. In the end, it could be caused by a great number of things but what remains important is that you are addressing these new feelings.

It’s good to hear in your message that you are happy with who you are. If you’re like most LGBTQ identified people, you probably went through a period of self-exploration and introspection about who you are, how you feel and how you identify. This probably took place a while ago since you’ve been living as a lesbian for such a long time. But now, with the appearance of your opposite sex attraction, you’ve been sent tumbling back into this state of self-questioning. You may feel that it’s making you doubt the “trueness” of your lesbian life. These new emotions most likely conflict with your self-proclaimed label of “lesbian” and this is leading to your feelings of disgust and yuckiness. You might even feel that any lesbian friends you may have could be judging you for “crossing over to the other team”. All these apprehensions are completely understandable and normal for a person in your position.

If you are not currently still in a relationship, if you can allow yourself, you might want to try exploring this new found attraction to the man you mentioned in your post but you must be sure to do so without prejudice and without the fear of judgment from friends or family. Sexuality is something to be explored and not be ashamed about. This is still the case even if maybe afterward, you’ve felt disgusted imagining yourself with this man. Let your mind play…try to find out if you are disgusted at the IDEA of going against your familiar (lesbian) self, or if you are truly not as physically attracted as you originally felt you were.

In the end, only you can decide how you identify in terms of your sexual orientation. You are also the only one who can decide how important it is to have a particular label. Hopefully this answer will help you understand some of your new feelings. Good luck and please feel free to write us back if you make any new discoveries or have any additional questions.


K-Wo for AlterHéros