I’m a lesbian, so why am I attracted to one man in particular?


Hi jevy,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. From your post, it sounds as though you’re experiencing some confusion when it comes to your lesbian identity and it’s all stemming from some fantasies you’ve had about a particular man.

After going through a coming out process and happily living as a lesbian for 11 years, it can be a bit startling to start having feelings of attraction or admiration for a man. You should know however, that this is not an uncommon occurrence for a lesbian identified woman. Sexual orientation is often described as fluid because of its sometimes fickle nature. Straight women who have liked men their whole lives may experience a sexual orientation dysphoria and become attracted to a particular woman or women in general. This also holds true for lesbians; they may also suddenly feel a desire to be with a man or to start relationships with men. Rest assured that you are not the only one who has gone through this kind of confusion and it’s common to feel a little disillusioned because of it.

The reason behind this kind of change in feelings can be triggered by a variety of things. It may be because you’re living in a new city and you’re meeting a variety of different people. It could be because you’ve met a particular man that tickles your fancy in just the right way. In the end, it could be caused by a great number of things but what remains important is that you are addressing these new feelings.

It’s good to hear in your message that you are happy with who you are. If you’re like most LGBTQ identified people, you probably went through a period of self-exploration and introspection about who you are, how you feel and how you identify. This probably took place a while ago since you’ve been living as a lesbian for such a long time. But now, with the appearance of your opposite sex attraction, you’ve been sent tumbling back into this state of self-questioning. You may feel that it’s making you doubt the “trueness” of your lesbian life. These new emotions most likely conflict with your self-proclaimed label of “lesbian” and this is leading to your feelings of disgust and yuckiness. You might even feel that any lesbian friends you may have could be judging you for “crossing over to the other team”. All these apprehensions are completely understandable and normal for a person in your position.

If you are not currently still in a relationship, if you can allow yourself, you might want to try exploring this new found attraction to the man you mentioned in your post but you must be sure to do so without prejudice and without the fear of judgment from friends or family. Sexuality is something to be explored and not be ashamed about. This is still the case even if maybe afterward, you’ve felt disgusted imagining yourself with this man. Let your mind play…try to find out if you are disgusted at the IDEA of going against your familiar (lesbian) self, or if you are truly not as physically attracted as you originally felt you were.

In the end, only you can decide how you identify in terms of your sexual orientation. You are also the only one who can decide how important it is to have a particular label. Hopefully this answer will help you understand some of your new feelings. Good luck and please feel free to write us back if you make any new discoveries or have any additional questions.

Sincerely,

K-Wo for AlterHéros


About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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