I want to talk to her but how ?


Hi there,

thank you for your question.

Having a crush on someone is a really exciting feeling, yet sometimes it may cause some anxiety when you don’t know the person very much and are afraid to approch them. Not knowing the person makes it obviously very difficult to predict what their reaction will be when you go up to engage a conversation, and therefore, how you will feel when you do decide to do so. Basically, it creates a feeling of insecurity, which is very understandable!

From what I understand, you don’t really know what to do because on one side you are scared of what this girl may think of you if you go talk to her, you are afraid that it will seem akward…but on the other side, the more you see her and secretly admire her, the more your interest grows and the more your need to make some sort of contact with her grows too. It’s not easy: after all, as human being we are all a bit insecure when it comes to these situations. We all have to some degree a certain fear of rejection, of feeling embarrased, of not knowing what to say or wondering if what we say will come out right. This is what our ego does: it tends to want to protect itself, to stay intact.

That being said, most people also respond really well to compliments, signs of appreciation or of interest. Truth is, most of us like to be liked. That is also our ego: it loves to be flattered and enhanced once in a while by positive comments about us. So in a sense, this fear of making contact can be managed if you keep in mind that this girl would be probably flattered to know that someone thinks of her as being cool or beautiful.

Here’s what I think: if you can manage to tackle you fear of going up to this girl to speak to her, a few good things may happen. Of many things, you would at least have taken off alot of pressure that is on your mind right now. You may also feel very proud of yourself for having worked up the courage to act on a feeling, even if in the end she is not the person you imagined her to be, or even if she ended up not feeling the same way about you. But most importantly, at least she would know who you are… which would help if you want to casually talk with her once in a while and therefore get to know each other, even if it means just as friends!

Ok. Now, another thing I think makes you feel vulnerable is the fact that you are both girls, and that girl-girl relationships are less common than heterosexual feelings/relationships. From what you know, she is interested in both sexes. The fact that she would indicate on a public space (Facebook) that she identifies as bisexual is probably an indicator that she is comfortable with her bisexuality and does not feel the need to keep it a secret. As for you, you think you may also be bisexual. You know, when it comes down to it, the important thing is that you learn to appreciate yourself the way you are, wether that means that you are interested in men, women, or both. Eventually, when having had the chance to experiment and explore different things, you will grow more sure of yourself, and of what feels good to you. For now, an important factor in your present situation is deciding if you are ready to act on the fact that you have a crush on a girl. You may want to speak with people in which you trust about how you feel about it (close friends, a councellor at your school, etc.) or maybe look into community services that offer support to questioning/bisexual/homosexual youth. Since I don’t know exactly where you live, it’s hard to direct you to a service, but if you are looking for online councelling you can go to Project10 at questions@p10.qc.ca, and be in touch with a councellor specialized in sexual orientation/identity that will answer all you questions and communicate with you for as long as needed.

Lastly: if you do go talk to your crush…what to say? Well, it all depends on what message you want to send out. Maybe being very staightforward may feel too akward for you. But a friendly « hi » when you cross her path may eventually lead to a « hi, how are you today » the next time…and from there, well, how about just talking about yourself, something silly that happenned to you that day, whatever…You know, exactly the same way as you make new friends…You know, we are all strangers to each other until the day we basically just say hello!

Hoping this will have helped you figure out things,

I wish you the best!

Don’t hesitate to write again.

Anna at Alterheros

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