Did I condition myself to like guys? And help for Christian queers.


Hi Kristy!

Thanks for writing in to us at Alterheros!

You mention questioning your sexuality because you saw women as objects of personal sexual desire, but attempted to change this by forcing yourself to think of males, and later choosing to date guys.

You later mention you tried forcing yourself to think about males sexually because a female fantasizing about females isn’t really seen as normal. Unfortunately in today’s society this idea that anyone not heterosexual is abnormal is reinforced much too often. I’d like to assure you that any sexual orientation is normal and valid! I would also like to let you know that penetration in general need not involve male genitalia, so enjoying penetration may be completely separate from enjoying sex with a guy.

You wonder if you have somehow conditioned yourself into liking guys. While it’s possible to force yourself to date males, it’s much harder (if not impossible!) to have an emotional or even physical attraction to them. It’s possible you are bisexual and it’s a very personal decision, but from the information you mentioned in your question, it does not sound like you are attracted to men. If you continue to force yourself to date them even while you mention you are not emotionally attracted to them, you may have trouble being happy and satisfied in your relationship. Not being sexually attracted to guys doesn’t automatically “make” you a lesbian either, nor in denial. It’s up to you to identify yourself based on what you feel represents you and your sexuality.

The second part of your question is about resources for gay Christians. As always, your local pride center is a good place to start, because there will generally be resources available to you in the form of local groups or knowledgeable people! However, not everyone has this type of center near them or perhaps are not entirely comfortable accessing them. If this is the case, sometimes these local groups are listed online, but you may have more success with an online community. Alterheros is a great example of one of these, allowing people from all over the world to connect and share ideas about anything they’d like to discuss. Check out the forum here or in other communities that you find and enjoy. Some other resources may be specific to religious belief specifically and sexuality as a general topic. Depending on your affiliation, you can check out your local church group to see if there are any resources there. Wikipedia is a good place to start to learn about the views of different sects on homosexuality. There is often quite a range of beliefs, even within faith communities, so be careful, but acceptance is becoming increasingly common. Remember, no one should make you feel bad or uncomfortable–feel free to ask to talk to someone else or you are always free to leave if people are not acting respectfully.

Good luck! 🙂

Kate for Alterheros


About Kate

Kate is currently completing a Psychology degree at the University of Ottawa. She also volunteers at the Pride Centre of the University of Ottawa.

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