Am I asexual?


Hello anon,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros with your question. From the sounds of it, you seem to be a pretty happy person when it comes to your family, friendships and not having any romantic relationships. The thing that appears to be bothering you right now is that you find that you have some differing tendencies in terms of sexual appetite from most guys your age and you’re wondering if they can be attributed to being asexual.

First of all, let me assure you that, from what you’ve written, you do not sound F-ed up. The only thing that comes up as concerning is your admission of violent thoughts and tendencies but you’ve already stated that you do not act on them and probably won’t so there is little need to worry that you’re F-ed up.

When it comes to asexuality, an asexual person can be described generally as someone who does not feel or experience any kind of sexual attraction. The following points from your self-description do fit with commonalities found in asexual people:

1) You don’t mind being alone;

2) You don’t plan on having a girlfriend;

3) You have a tendency of putting girls down ungracefully in the hopes of not being the object of their attention;

4) You have very irregular “crushes”;

5) You sometimes feel that women are “yucky”;

6) You feel very little/no need to try and play the field.

Well it sure sounds like you fit the bill for being asexual doesn’t it? But let’s not jump to conclusions too quickly; if you think about it, your description also really sounds like someone who doesn’t fit into mainstream sexuality (e.g. experiencing a sexual peak in their twenties, trying to play the field etc..), like a person who would go by the motto “let me be me” in terms of their sexuality.

It can be tough feeling that you don’t fit in with the majority of society and often when this happens, it makes sense to try and find a group that you do fit in with. When you find this group, you can adopt the label that comes with it, such as “asexual.” The only thing is, labels usually come with certain pros and cons. As a pro, it allows you to feel a certain sense of belonging with a group of people that have similar traits as you. It also allows you to convey who you are when you wish to give a quick description of yourself without going into great detail (e.g. instead of explaining that you’re not interested in women, you don’t want to play the field etc…, you can simply say that you’re asexual, saving you the headache of going through a long explanation). One of the main drawbacks however, is that this label may not be 100% accurate. Most people assume that asexual people aren’t sexual at all. For you, this isn’t the case since you masturbate daily and you’ve had crushes in the past. Another drawback is that Individuals may make certain assumptions when you label yourself “asexual” that do not reflect who you are. For some, just hearing the word asexual already triggers thoughts of “weirdness” and “abnormality” so sometimes it’s easier not to bother with a label and make others accept you for who you are and not just your sexual orientation. In other words, “let me be me!”

There are a few other reasons that could be causing your disinterest in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. The following are all possible avenues to explore and is in no way a reflection of how you described yourself in your post. Low desire for sexual interaction can sometimes be caused by a hormonal imbalance. If you suspect that this may be the case, it’s worthwhile to have your doctor test your hormone levels to check and see if there are any causes for concern. Another point to check with your doctor would be your physiological development. Knowing that you’re 20, it’s more than likely that you have gone through puberty, however, some men can have a latent development where puberty is delayed for a variety of reasons and sexual feelings don’t come until later on in their twenties. Feel free to have a frank discussion with your doctor about either of these concerns. Lastly, from what you wrote in your post, you didn’t mention your sexual orientation. Have you considered any same-sex desires? Many men who experienced a consistent disinterest in women during their youth sometimes come to realize that they aren’t 100% heterosexual. When you masturbate to pornography, do you watch hetero couples or same-sex couples? What gender do you fantasize about? Again, this isn’t an implication that you might be attracted to the same sex, more an encouragement to explore all different factors that could explain your disinterest in women. If you masturbate and fantasize about women for the majority of the time, you’re most likely heterosexual.

In the end, only you can decide whether or not you identify with asexuality. Here is a link to a website that gives a basic but fairly nuanced description that you can check out: http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html Take a look and see how you match up with the description. Do you feel that it describes how you feel or only in some respects? You’ve already described yourself as happy and content with a family you love; does labeling yourself as “asexual” make you feel happy and relieved that you’re not the only person that doesn’t experience a sexual peak during their 20s, that doesn’t feel the need to skirt chase, or does it make you feel weird and worried that people will judge you for it? Weigh out the pros and cons and decide what makes you feel most comfortable in your own skin. Hopefully you’ll find a middle ground that fits you just right. Good luck and please don’t hesitate to write again if you have any other new questions, concerns or things to add.

Sincerely,

K-Wo for AlterHéros


About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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