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Hi Michele,

Thanks for writing to us with your question!

This is a very interesting question, indeed. As much as we say we hate labels, we always seem to want or need to label things, including gender, sexual preferences, crowd ‘clicks’, etc.

The fact is, with all the nicknames out there, I have found, by speaking with other queer people (and even straight people) that there don’t seem to be very many names to designate straight women who like to be in the company of gay women.

Before continuing, I would like to ask you how you feel about these gay women. Do you think that you’d like to spend more and more time with them because you want to see what attracts your daughter to them? Is it more a curiosity? Did you just slowly start realizing that gay women are in some way, different than your straight female friends? What traits do these women have that intrigues or interests you more than other people in your world up until now?

Are you finding yourself attracted to these women, or is this purely platonic?

For the sake of argument, since you did not mention in your question, I will assume the relationships you seek are platonic. Now, with that in mind, have you ever heard the term “Fag Hag”? This is often used to describe straight women who enjoy the company of gay males. For whatever reason, they feel they can converse with them, are interested in the same things, like to maybe do activities, such as shopping or partying together, etc. Some of these women feel motherly towards their ‘boys’ as well. Sadly (or thankfully depending how you see the use of labels), I have yet to hear of a term that describes men who like to hang out with gay women, or for that matter, straight women who love the company of queer women. Though it has been discussed amongst many women, we have never – it seems – found a perfect term for this. We may have tossed around ‘Dyke Fag’, ‘Dyke-Hag’, ‘Lesbo-lover’ and numerous other silly and potentially insulting terms, but so far, nothing has ‘stuck’.

I would say if you come up with a catchy name, let us know…maybe you can patent it! All kidding aside, labels aren’t always necessary. Maybe it’s alright to simply say “I am a straight woman that appreciates the company of gay women”, rather than using a new catch-phrase that hasn’t even caught on yet. You would probably find yourself explaining it every time you attempted to use it anyways 😉

If you must use a word to describe or shorten the description, try to think of things you like about these women…what they offer you that straight women do not. Or what do they offer you that men do not? Something about their conversation skills? Maybe you could be a ‘Lez-talker’! If you feel lesbians have exceptional mothering skills, you might try something like ‘GayLady-Momma Buddies’, etc. Again, these terms are really up to you to play around with, if you absolutely must come up with a nickname for someone like yourself. But who are you really? In the end, you are a woman, a mother, an adult. These women you say you like to spend time with, do they fit into the same category as you? If so, well…you are all just women! Different, or similar, women you shall always be! Be happy with your ‘connection’ and don’t worry too much about silly nicknames 🙂

I hope this makes you smile, even if I didn’t bring much insight to you about how to ‘name’ yourself.

Feel free to write in with further questions, though!

Dee,

for Alterheros


About Dee Gamme

Dee holds a baccalaureate in Fine Arts in Cinema (Specialization in Film Animation). She's also an event producer/promoter in the Queer community, mainly working with independent musicians and visual artists. Dee was a volunteer in the "Tell the experts" team for 2 years before being given the opportunity to become Outreach Director. Heading the Anglophone Team since early 2009 has been a great experience!

I like being involved at AlterHeros because it helps keep me in touch with the Queer community. I also love to help others and I am interested in psychology and coming out issues.

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