6 October 2022

I'm wondering if, whether I was born bisexual and only recently realized it or did I develop this sexual appetite for men maybe out of sexual boredom in my marriage?

I’m in my late 50’s, married to a wonderful woman for over 30 years. I was always very attracted to women and my wife. As frequency of sex grew less over the years, I ventured into gay classifieds and was immediately turned on. I had never in the past had any romantic or sexual interest in men, at least that I was conscious of. I began to chat with guys on sites like Grindr but could never get up the nerve to actually meet anyone. I also value my marriage and don’t consciously like the idea of cheating on my wife. My sexual interest in her grew less and less (her interest in sex had waned over the years) and I started masturbating to gay porn and found it very erotic. That’s where I am now. 

I believe I am open minded sexually but not turned on by men romantically still, but very turned on sexually. I question whether I may have had homosexual feelings when I was younger and repressed them, growing up in a Christian culture where this was unacceptable, but I never had the slightest sign of this when I was younger, only a desire for women. I was also very shy and had low self esteem, so I didn’t date until I was older. I didn’t feel accepted by women then, but never felt the slightest desire for men.

So today I am in a great, but sexless marriage (partly due to my lack being turned by my wife), and I constantly fantasize about sex and intimacy with men and seem to be stuck in that loop. I question to myself whether I was born bisexual and only recently realized it or did I develop this sexual appetite for men, maybe out of sexual boredom in my marriage

Émilie Grandmont

Hi Sam,


Thanks for reaching out.


So if I understand your question well, you believe that you have sexual desires for men and you’re wondering if you were born bisexual or if you developed this attraction throughout the years of your marriage in which the frequency of sexual relations has decreased. Is that right?


There is no right way to answer your question, simply because there’s still no consensus to this day as to whether sexual orientation is caused by innate or aquired factors. So, in general, we are not really born with a set specific orientation, because the latter is fluid and can vary with time, but it’s also not completely caused by our socialization and environmental factors. Sexual orientation is rather a mix of it all.


Still, whether you were born bisexual or your attractions changed with time, I perceive in your message that indeed, the family context in which you lived when you were younger was not conducive to this kind of questioning, some people will still realise that they are not hetero or cis despite of that, but it depends on the reality of each person. In your case, you didn’t feel any sexual and romantic attraction for men. It may have been caused by your family’s closed-mindedness in a certain way, preventing you from developing your own identity, or it may also have been because you really just didn’t feel any sexual interests towards men at this time.


As I mentioned earlier, sexual orientation can fluctuate over time (as can gender identity) and we can develop or discover new attractions and diversify our sexual behaviors. These discoveries can emerge at any time in our lives and it’s not uncommon for this to happen as we get older, where we sometimes step out of the role that has been imposed on us by societal norms and where we keep learning about our identity. So yes, I would think that the reduction in the frequency of your sexual relations with your wife and the fact that you are less and less attracted to her have probably contributed to your exploration and discovery of new attractions. It’s absolutely alright to fulfill your affective and romantic needs from one place and your sexual needs from another, as long as there’s good communication and understanding between each party involved!


I hope this answer will still help a little. Feel free to write to us again if you have any more questions!


Émilie (elle/she), for AlterHéros