I'm confused if I'm a lesbian with comphet or just bi...

So, I’m confused if I’m a lesbian with comphet or just bi. I’ve read and watched a lot of things about comphet and I really relate to it, but there’s something in me that still makes me feel unsure about if my attraction to men is comphet or not. I never had crushed on guys. I mean, I just “admired” untouchable real men (meaning taken guys, gay guys, guys that won’t like me back for sure), fictional characters and celebrities and my fantasies about men are non-sexual (we’re literally acting like besties), because I literally can’t fantasies about a man, even if in non-sexual contexts, I can’t, if he’s not gay or bi or GNC or afab or intersex or queer somehow, doesn’t have long hair, a very specific personality and a certain style. The sexual fantasies, well they are not really sexual, it’s maybe just a slight tension, but I physically feel unconfortable if it goes further than jokes or certain looks. And it always involve a woman. Maybe talking about a woman we both like, maybe I imagine we both get filtry with a woman for a threesome (then I barely can picture him in that thereesome, yes just in the teasing taking when we both meet that woman), maybe we’re at a sex or kink club and just watch and comment what’s going on there, maybe we share, in a platonic way, past experiences with past partners, I REALLY DON’T KNOW.

Camille

Hi Teo,

Thank you so much for submitting your question to us!

Attractions can be very complex, and most people explore for a long time before settling on a specific orientation (and some people never do! Orientation is fluid and can change over time).

From what I understand, you are attracted to women and don’t know if you’re attracted to men. You’re asking yourself if what you feel towards men is genuine attraction or if it has been built by society norms (here comes the comphet theory).

First I have to tell you, even if you probably already know, there is no pressure for you to identify a specific romantic/sexual orientation right now (or ever). However, I do understand that it can be reassuring to find and express who you are!

You’re saying that you feel uncomfortable about the idea of flirting with men. You could ask yourself if it’s based on a general feeling inside of you or if it could be caused by a bad experience you had in the past with a man.

Another question; when you imagine yourself with a future partner, do they have a specific gender? That could guide you into what you want.

Attraction can manifest itself in many sorts of ways! You can be in relationships that are not sexual and they’re as valid as those who are.

Many people also identify themselves as pansexual/panromantic except for cis men (or except for certain characteristics, that’s up to you). You can also search in a partner, specifically someone who is queer (for example if it is indeed a cis man).

The education you received as a child can also influence you, even in an unconscious way, as an adult. For example, some homophobic comments made by your close ones or family can leave a mark and influence the way you perceive homosexual relationships later in life.

Something that I hear often in the queer/lesbien community is the need for validation from men that can sometimes be perceived as attraction for men. The patriarchal society that we live in sometimes makes us want to get the attention of men (by our looks or other qualities, like intelligence). This phenomenon is different from actual attraction, but it’s easy to mix them both.

I hope this answer will help you.

Feel free to reach out to us again,

Camille (she/her)