I’m attracted to girls but I don’t know wether I’m lesbian because I don’t understand what a crush actually is…


I am 16 and I have had mistook “admiration” as “crush” a lot of times when I was small… And now knows that the “boy” crushes(3 to be exact) I had was just mere admiration to be like them….(I want to be more masculine) and I recently realised that I am attracted to girls… and if I were to date someone(or marry someone in the far future) then that ‘someone’ would be a girl… I don’t label myself as lesbian because I am still confused as I have never got a crush and neither do I understand what actually is a crush..(and I truly don’t understand the “butterfly in stomach” feeling everyone talks about) and also nowadays I question myself like “what if I am lying to myself about being lesbian” “am I being like this just to be different from others?” and such questions are making me more and more confused. Please help! I can’t understand whether I’m lesbian or not!!

Hi AK,
Thank you for trusting us with your question.
From what I understand, not knowing what a crush is and not having any on girls makes you confused and therefore question your sexuality.

First of all, confusing crushes with admiration happen frequently, and it can be very difficult sometimes to differentiate the two. It seems that you understood that your crushes toward boys were more orientated in a way that you wanted to be like them, which is an excellent start. You already identified some elements of what you’re feeling.

Second of all, crushes can help you navigate through your questions regarding your sexual orientation, but they don’t invalidate them. What I mean by that is whether you have a crush on someone or not, what makes you a lesbian, bisexual, or any other orientation is how you feel inside. You can always choose which labels or identities most accurately describe how you feel.

I find it interesting that you said that if you were to project yourself in the future you would see yourself with a woman. I can’t tell you if you are a lesbian or not, only you can figure that out, but listening to yourself is always a good place to start.

It is totally okay to be confused regarding your sexual orientation, it takes time. Crushes are also not so simple, some people have them and others don’t. You may find someone who you are interested in without having those famous “butterflies in your stomach.” By definition, a crush is “an informal term for feelings of romantic love, often felt during childhood and early adolescence.” There’s a lot of different types and intensities of love, attractions and crushes. Like I said, confusion is part of figuring it out.

Last of all, crushes don’t define your sexual orientation, but listening to yourself and what you are feeling does. Nothing is urgent, you can take your time discovering yourself, your orientation and identity, as well as which types of people you’re attracted to. Whether you are a lesbian or not, you are loved and a wonderful human 🙂

You can always write back to us if you have more questions!

Queerdially,

Alyssa


About Alyssa

Alyssa (she/her) is a bisexual student with a background in neuroscience and sexology. Her favorite pastime is to demystify everything surrounding sexual orientation.

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