Thank you for your question and for your trust. If I understand your question, you are asking if you could identify as asexual based on your experience of attraction and still have sex. Is that right?
I understand your confusion. We are constantly told that everybody feels sexual attraction and that it should be a condition to have sex with someone. But in reality, it is way more complex than that. Sexual attraction is not the only type of attraction that we can feel toward other people. There are also, essentially, romantic, aesthetic, platonic and sensual attractions. For example, for me since I don’t feel sexual attraction, I rely mainly on aesthetic and sensual attractions that I feel toward other people.
I invite you to ask yourself what do you feel when you are attracted to someone in other ways, what would you want from that and what are your needs. What makes you feel comfortable when you think about your sexuality? Is it with someone else, someone that you are already close with, more than one people, alone, or even no sex?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where the person doesn’t experience, or experience rarely, sexual attraction. Sexual and romantic attraction are two types of attraction that we can experienced, and they are not necessarily the same. So, you could identify as biromantic and asexual for example if that is what you feel most comfortable for you.
Asexuality is often represented as someone who doesn’t like or want sex. As some asexual people feel like that, others do want sex. The asexual visibility and education network (AVEN) defined different attitudes that one could have toward sex, depending at what level of comfort they have toward sex. They are split in three main categories: sex favorable, sex indifferent and sex repulsed. And so, how we feel about sex, and the sexual behaviors that we have, doesn’t defined if we could identify a certain way for our sexual attraction. You also mentioned that you get horny. Being horny is also different than sexual attraction, it a physical response. You could totally be horny all the time and still feel no sexual attraction toward others, as well as other people could feel sexual attraction and not be horny.
They are a lot of different experiences of sexual attraction and relationship to one’s sexuality. The asexual spectrum is very diverse. Many asexual creators talk about that, mainly on youtube and tiktok. Here some of the creators who are really active on tiktok to give a lot of information on the asexual spectrum and the diversity of experiences: @angstyace ; @acedadadvice ; @asexualmemes ; @mikkvelden. On Youtube, the creator Ash Hardell made a series in three parts, including a lot of people, about the asexuality and aromantic spectrums. Here are the links to part 1, part 2 and part 3. I also found a video that represent the diversity of the asexual spectrum. There are not a lot of good asexual representation on tv, but my two favorites are the character Drea in ‘’everything’s gonna be okay’’ and Todd Chavez in ‘’BoJack Horseman’’.
There are also some groups in Québec. On Facebook, we have a private group in French named Asexuel·le·s du Québec. There is also the community Montreal Asexuals who organizes meet ups, and their Facebook page.
The way that we identify our sexuality is a personal choice and can be fluid. If asexuality is a term that you feel most comfortable to describe yourself, it is totally valid to use it. And if it is not the case later, or you find a better word for you, or even if you prefer not to identity your sexuality, it is totally okay. I remember a tiktok video where the creator makes the analogy that the term we use to identity are like magnets. We can change them, add some, remove some, as the time go by, as long as we feel comfortable with what we choose to identity.
If you have more question, feel free to send us another email!
I hope this helps,
Alex Nadeau, intervention volunteer for AlterHéros [Any pronouns]