Hi Jo,

Thank you for your question and I’m really sorry about the delay, we’re working hard on answering all of the questions!

First of all, sexual orientation, being straight, gay/gay/lesbian, bisexual, (etc.), is about the kind of people we’re attracted to and want to have intimate relationships with. You can be attracted to one gender in particular, to several at once, or to none at all. I’m talking about genders here, not specific people: a boy who’s completely 100% straight can occasionally be attracted to his friend without this changing his preferences in general. You know what I mean? There’s also romantic orientation, the same principle, but it can be different from sexual orientation. In other words, a person can want to have sex with people regardless of their gender or anatomy, but only form a couple with a woman, for example. 

Indeed, sexual/romantic orientation is not something we consciously control or decide upon. Discovering and exploring our preferences in terms of relationships, whether it’s the gender of the people we’re attracted to or any other component we look for and appreciate in a person, is a process. It’s perfectly normal and healthy to make realizations and reflections as a result of positive or negative experiences in our relationships, especially in adolescence when we’re in our first relationships. Sometimes we know right away what we like about someone, but sometimes we need to try it out to see how it feels. But one thing’s for sure: it doesn’t happen overnight.

Sexual orientation is made up of three dimensions: fantasies/desires, behaviors and identity/self-identification. These elements are not always closely linked, and each person determines how they identify. For example, it’s entirely possible for a man to feel attraction to other men, have dreams or fantasies about them, or even have sex with men, regardless of his sexual orientation.

So, to sum up, your identification with any sexual orientation is up to you, depending on which term you identify with most. You don’t have to make a choice either, you can continue to explore as you wish, as much as you like. Questioning isn’t a bad thing!

I hope this answer helps. Feel free to contact us again anytime!

Émilie (she/they), for AlterHéros