20 January 2009

What is happening to me ? I love my boyfriend, but I have thoughts that I might be attracted by females

my name is laura and i m 19 years old. i have a problem with my sexuallity. i like men. i have slept with my boyfriend many times and i have enjoyed it. i am in love with him. i have had a friend who is atracted to both male and female. after having her story heard, i have thought about it many times. i have tried to get the thought out of my head but it keeps on bothering me. i don’t feel comfortable when thinknig about women. i feel disgusted but yet i orgasm. i would never go to bed with a women and it doesn’t seem like love to me. i don’t feel happy when thinknig about women touching me but i can not get the thought out of my head. i feel special and sexually attracted to my boyfriend and am planning to get married after college to him. why do you think i orgasm when thinking about a women touching me but i don’t like it? i tried touching a women but i hated it! i felt disgusted. what do you think is happening? i love my boyfriend and i don’t love women so why is this bothering me ?

annabelle dupras

Hi Laura,

thank you for your question.

If I can reassure you from the start, I think that the questionning you are going through right now is normal. Sexuality, and sexual orientation in particular, are not always simple issues and often bring  many questions that aren’t easy to deal with.

What I understand from what you are saying is that you are comfortable with men, and with heterosexual relationships, both emotionally and sexually. But, also, you have been wondering if you have a sexual attraction towards the same sex, maybe in part because you are having thought about women. And, because a friend has told you about their bisexual or homosexual experience, it has brought you to wonder about your own sexual experiences and preferences. I think a first thing to do could be to explore why you have these thoughts, and what they mean to you.

You know, there are many different ways to explore sexuality, and many ways to feel about it. Now, you are puzzled because you think about women touching you, yet don’t feel attracted to them. To sort things out, how about asking yourself these questions: Do I feel attracted to women? If so,in which ways (emotionally, intellectually, sexually….)? Are the thought I am having about women more like sexual fantasies, or like deeper, inner desires that I am afraid to let myself take part in? It could be possible that these thoughts are simply images that trigger an interesting feeling during your sexual experiences, or it could mean more. Only you can figure that one out though.

It’s important to point out here that sexual fantasies often differ from our day-to-day reality. They are thoughts that are a part of our sexuality, but that don’t necessarily represent the way we prefer or chose to experience sexuality in reality. It is also important to know that having fantasies is normal.

That being said, I’d also invite you to think about those feelings of disgust that you have in regards to your experience/thoughts about women. Try to figure out what bothers you so much about it, whether it’s just that you aren’t attracted to girls at all, or that you have a specific opinion or feeling about homosexual experiences. It’s something you may have to meditate on for a while before you truly understand yourself. So, be kind to yourself: try to accept these thoughts that you are having without judging yourself or their meaning…

Lastly, there are professionals out there that may help you understand yourself better: sexologists, psychologists, councelors at school (if you are in school), etc. See what services are offered in your community to seek for additionnal help, if needed.

Hoping this will help you out a bit,

Anna at Alterheros