26 September 2015

Self-hatred and confusion

I hate my body and feel unheard.


I’m 17, female, and have hated my body for a long time, but especially since puberty.
Most girls seem to want bigger breasts, but I’ve never felt anything but disgust and hatred towards them. I honestly would have them removed given the option.
I don’t think I’m trans, because I don’t exactly want to be a man. I prefer men’s clothing (though I feel stupid with it on in my current body), but I’m more or less happy with the rest of my body, and wouldn’t want a sex change.
It’s more annoying because weight loss will not help; I weigh just under 8 stone as it is, and try desperately to eat less and exercise in the hope of reducing my chest, but to no avail. I try to ignore my appearance, but it saddens me every time I dwell on it, and I feel unable to relax whenever I go out. I feel being flat chested would be the only solution to this.
I know about binding but I don’t like taking it off and seeing myself again. I feel sick and these feelings led me to nearing anorexia a few months ago; I would try not to eat altogether, and got very upset and felt guilty if I did. I was able to return to normal, but I worry it could come back. I still don’t like eating.
My sexuality has always confused me, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m asexual. I know teenage years are early for being sure, but I’ve never felt a desire towards either sex that extended beyond attraction of character. I seem to fall in love with stories rather than people.
I’m posting here because I feel lost. My family doesn’t take me seriously, seeing my views as a side effect of depression rather than a projection of identity. They believe it is a passing phase, but I’m not sure how much long I can wait to see if I’ll change my mind. I just feel utterly miserable in my body.