Hello,
Thank you for contacting AlterHéros! We apologize for the delay.
You mention that your partner of 5 years has cross-dressing fetishes that you accept. One of the things he really enjoys is anal penetration, which you say has become an “obsession” of his. This past year has brought you some difficulty as he meets men via Craigslist. Furthermore, he discusses his fantasies with these men. At first, he wanted to have a threesome with you and another man. However, this soon changed to him having sex with a man by himself. You would consider this cheating but he doesn’t as to let you join them. You’re looking for answers on how to go about this situation.

I understand that this situation can be difficult. There’s also the element of “what can I do to change this” that brings difficulty to this situation due to the fact that it’s not you who’s living with this fetish, but your husband. Therefore, you can’t control what he does and how he feels. You can only express how you feel and how you would like things to go.

The big issue is that he wants to experience his desires with a man and you feel that it is cheating, whether you join them or not. Why do you think that it’s cheating? If he asks you to join in to let him experience something, why do you consider it cheating? Is it only for the fact that another person is involved?

What if you try to see this in a more positive light? Why not consider the man a conduit for pleasure, pleasure that your partner would like to experience? It’s understandable if looking at it in this manner is difficult. Seeing your partner with someone else can truly be challenging for some.

Do you think you would be able to ever see this experience as something that can bring you and your partner closer together emotionally and sexually? Or, is fear guiding this decision in saying the opposite, meaning, that if you let
your partner experience this, he may decide to leave you?

If this is a fear you have, it’s an understandable one. However, both of you must decide what works for you. I understand that you’ve been trying to do that. However, he wants something (to experience his fetish and desires with a man) and you want something as well (to continue his experience as a couple only). For your relationship to continue being healthy, there must be a compromise. Now, that doesn’t mean you have to go along with your husband nor does it mean he has to go along with you. I, personally, don’t know what’s best for the both of you.
All I can tell you is that if you do choose to experience this with your husband, you and your partner need to establish boundaries and rules as to how it will go. You also need trust, as it is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, especially when that relationship may include others. You must both trust each other, that it won’t be considered as cheating and that you will see how this can benefit the both of you.

In reading your question, it seems to me that there may be some communication issues between the both of you. You said that the last 8 months is when the problems started. However, you did establish certain boundaries, which leads me to believe that at some point, you and your partner were communicating well.
Communication, when done properly, allows for conflicts to be resolved. It also allows you and your partner to become closer and to share each other’s thoughts, feelings and desires in a positive way. It allows for a deeper connection. It may be in your best interest to share the following strategies and questions with your husband so that you may both better communicate your feelings toward one another regarding this situation.
Here are some strategies to better communicate how you feel:

• Stop and actively listen to what your partner is saying
• Be honest and open with your partner
• Pay attention to body language
• Concentrate on the here and now, don’t look at the past
• Pick the perfect time
• Talk face to face
• Ask questions
• Say your opinions, feelings and desires
• Speak in a calm tone
• Talk in a positive way, don’t put your partner down

Here are some questions to ask yourself to better understand if you’re truly listening to your partner:

• Am I looking to understand my partner?
• Am I really listening to what my partner is saying? Do I express my point of view clearly so that my partner understands what I’m saying?
• Is my non-verbal communication (body language, voice tone, etc.) doing something that I don’t want?
• Am I making a fast judgment without looking at all the facts?
• Am I looking to see the situation with different glasses or am I just looking at the situation in one way?
• Do I modify my ways of communicating to accommodate the person in front of me?

If you feel that this situation hasn’t been resolved, I would suggest either going to couples counselling or individual therapy to help with this process. You can either go see a sexologist, a psychologist or even a counsellor who specializes in communication and/ or sexuality. There are also groups that you and your husband can join that deal with communication and/ or sexuality.
I hope this helps you on your journey. If you have any others questions, feel free to write to us again. We will answer you with great pleasure!

Thank you again for your confidence!
Alessia for AlterHéros