Thank you for trusting us with your question, you’ve come to the right place.

From what I understand, you’ve enjoyed having sexual experiences with men since you were a teenager and you have also had experiences with girls. You also specify that performing oral sex on men turns you on and you’re wondering if you might gay. This is a perfectly normal question to ask yourself.

First, here are a few questions to guide your introspection. Have your experiences with women been enjoyable as well? What is it that turns you on about having sex with men? How is it different from your experiences with women? Do you find yourself wanting to be in intimate or romantic relationships with men? With women? It might be helpful to take a moment to ask yourself these things and to explore your feelings, your needs, and your wants regarding sexual and/or romantic relationships.

Another thing I want to point out is that romantic and sexual attraction/orientation are two distinct things that may or may not always align. For example, it’s possible to be homo- or bi-sexual (sexually attracted to multiple genders, your own and others), and simultaneously hetero-romantic (romantically attracted to a gender different than your own). Also, sexual orientation is more than just one thing, it has three main components: fantasies/desires, behaviors, identity/self-identification. Once again, the three may or may not align. For instance, some people are attracted to all genders, only have sex with one gender and identify as bisexual.

As you can see, it’s so much more than just gay or straight. Sexuality is vast and there are many possible combinations. Some people feel sexual attraction to more than one gender but are only romantically attracted to one. Some people don’t feel any romantic attraction, but they experience sexual desire. Finding out who you are in all of this can be confusing and scary. It might take a long time, but ultimately, it’s a worthwhile journey to embark on, in my opinion. What’s more, sexuality is fluid, it can change over time and in different contexts, so nothing is set in stone. You might make more discoveries along the way! The important thing is figuring out what makes sense for you now and what you feel comfortable with.

On another note, is this something you have spoken about to people in your life? It might be helpful to confide in someone who knows you well about what you’re going through. If there isn’t anyone you feel comfortable talking to, that’s alright! There are other options, writing to us was one of them, and I thank you again for doing it. Here are two more resources:

LGBT YouthLine offers confidential peer-support. You can contact them through their text and chat services, and visit their website for more information on what they do.

Queer Events is a website to find events by and for the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re interested in socializing with people who may have a similar experience to yours or in learning more about the community itself, this might be a good place to start.

I suggest that you keep exploring and asking yourself questions about what you want and what you like in your sexuality. Be kind and patient with yourself. Don’t hesitate to write to us again if you need to!

All the best,

Béatrice (she/her), volunteer for AlterHéros