Out of the Darkness

Ever since I was a little girl, every time someone mentioned gayness I would just put the question of me being a lesbian out of my mind. I thought it was something wrong, and that I couldn’t possibly be one.

I dated a few boys; I never really made an effort to get a boyfriend though. It wasn’t on my list of priorities. Every time I went out with them I would keep saying to myself, “When is this going to end?”

I lived my life daydreaming. I would be sitting in the room, but my mind was off somewhere else. Somewhere I was liked, where I was happy. I had some real friends, although I would never pay much attention to what they were saying. Like my boyfriends, I spent the entire time trying to impress them, but not really interested.

It wasn’t until I was 15 when I was reminded of the gay thing. My friend, who was utterly homophobic, would use calling people gay as a reason to not talk to them. I put it out of my mind once again, and I continued to pretend that I was happy. One day at the movie theatre, this friend was scared during a scene and grabbed my hand. “This is nice” I said… Then I paused in thought, and I realized that I was attracted to her. I pulled my hand away, if I kept holding it, maybe she would think that I was a lesbian, and stop talking to me.

A few years later she turned her back on me. Her boyfriend was abusive, and made her cut everyone from her life. It was very unfortunate, but when I realized there was nothing I could do, I gave up. I was on my own, but I didn’t care that much. I had a fantasy I would always go to. Real life was always secondary.

After my last boyfriend left me, (who I feel sorry for now, I must have been a terrible girlfriend,) I finally gave up on school. I was 19, and my health problems were overwhelming me. I had been sick on and off for 5 years.

Soon I was going to the ER 3 times a week because my stomach pains were so bad. A doctor found I was allergic to wheat gluten. I stopped eating that, and I felt better.

It’s been over a year, and I am going back to school. But there was one part of my life I had been ignoring, something very important. Ever since that day at the movie theatre, I started to let myself explore the possibility that I could be a lesbian. Suddenly thoughts of being with other women started to enter my fantasies, until finally it came to my night time dreams. But I was nervous as hell, I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my social worker!

I was having trouble letting go and realizing that men didn’t make me happy. There was never any physical attraction. I still say sometimes that I think such and such a guy is kind of cute, but it never goes beyond that. My heart does not beat as hard as it does when I see that one girl. I had been unconsciously checking them out for so long. It makes me think of when I was young, and all my friends were saying which backstreet boy they thought was the hottest. I didn’t find any of them hot. I would always lie.

It’s all finally come to the point where I can’t hide anymore. I’m ready to come out, reach out, and go out. I’ve told my sister, and she’s okay with it. My Mom always said off the record, that if I was a lesbian she’d be okay with it. I’m still not ready to tell her.

I’m ready to face who I am; I’ve stepped out of my dream world, and into reality. I realize all that time spent with my head in the clouds, was my avoiding the fact of who I truly am. I’m a lesbian, and I’m proud of it.

About AlterHéros

Depuis 2002, AlterHéros répond à vos questions en ligne au sujet de la diversité sexuelle, de la pluralité des genres et de la santé sexuelle en général. Nous organisons aussi des activités pour les jeunes LGBTQIA2S+ de 14 à 30 ans et leurs allié.e.s.

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One thought on “Out of the Darkness

  • em

    omg! I can so relate! I’m in year 8 an I’m attracted to girls, its really hard in an all girls school because there is so much bitching but I know that I’m not going to pretend to be straight just so that people don’t give me a hard time. I’ve told some of my friends but I realise I still have heaps of time to tell them. Im also Allergic to gluten (wheat) and I was diagnosed when I was 9 or 10? As much as I want to “fit in” with the crowd, I can’t help to have the urge to stand out. This is me. And whatever anyone says can’t change me.