Out of the Darkness
I wasn’t sure why I was living in a dream world, until I finally interpreted the dreams I was having. I’m ready to face who I am; I’ve stepped out of my dream world, and into reality. I realize all that time spent with my head in the clouds, was my avoiding the fact of who I truly am.
Ever since I was a little girl, every time someone mentioned gayness I would just put the question of me being a lesbian out of my mind. I thought it was something wrong, and that I couldn’t possibly be one.
I dated a few boys; I never really made an effort to get a boyfriend though. It wasn’t on my list of priorities. Every time I went out with them I would keep saying to myself, “When is this going to end?”
I lived my life daydreaming. I would be sitting in the room, but my mind was off somewhere else. Somewhere I was liked, where I was happy. I had some real friends, although I would never pay much attention to what they were saying. Like my boyfriends, I spent the entire time trying to impress them, but not really interested.
It wasn’t until I was 15 when I was reminded of the gay thing. My friend, who was utterly homophobic, would use calling people gay as a reason to not talk to them. I put it out of my mind once again, and I continued to pretend that I was happy. One day at the movie theatre, this friend was scared during a scene and grabbed my hand. “This is nice” I said… Then I paused in thought, and I realized that I was attracted to her. I pulled my hand away, if I kept holding it, maybe she would think that I was a lesbian, and stop talking to me.
A few years later she turned her back on me. Her boyfriend was abusive, and made her cut everyone from her life. It was very unfortunate, but when I realized there was nothing I could do, I gave up. I was on my own, but I didn’t care that much. I had a fantasy I would always go to. Real life was always secondary.
After my last boyfriend left me, (who I feel sorry for now, I must have been a terrible girlfriend,) I finally gave up on school. I was 19, and my health problems were overwhelming me. I had been sick on and off for 5 years.
Soon I was going to the ER 3 times a week because my stomach pains were so bad. A doctor found I was allergic to wheat gluten. I stopped eating that, and I felt better.
It’s been over a year, and I am going back to school. But there was one part of my life I had been ignoring, something very important. Ever since that day at the movie theatre, I started to let myself explore the possibility that I could be a lesbian. Suddenly thoughts of being with other women started to enter my fantasies, until finally it came to my night time dreams. But I was nervous as hell, I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my social worker!
I was having trouble letting go and realizing that men didn’t make me happy. There was never any physical attraction. I still say sometimes that I think such and such a guy is kind of cute, but it never goes beyond that. My heart does not beat as hard as it does when I see that one girl. I had been unconsciously checking them out for so long. It makes me think of when I was young, and all my friends were saying which backstreet boy they thought was the hottest. I didn’t find any of them hot. I would always lie.
It’s all finally come to the point where I can’t hide anymore. I’m ready to come out, reach out, and go out. I’ve told my sister, and she’s okay with it. My Mom always said off the record, that if I was a lesbian she’d be okay with it. I’m still not ready to tell her.
I’m ready to face who I am; I’ve stepped out of my dream world, and into reality. I realize all that time spent with my head in the clouds, was my avoiding the fact of who I truly am. I’m a lesbian, and I’m proud of it.