1 octobre 2023

My boyfriend is bisexuel, I am insecure that I will not completely satisfy him...

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and about 5 months ago he told me he was bisexual. Since then every time we have sex or during masturbation I fantasize about hi m with other men. But the down side is I’m now insecure about whether or not I can completely satisfy him sexually. Help! I’m so confused! Are these feelings normal? I’m so torn about these conflicting feelings!!

Virginie Dubé-Ménard

Hi Jessie!

Thanks for writing to AlterHeros about your situation. Just to rephrase it, your boyfriend told you recently he’s bisexual and it causes a conflict of emotions in you, both excitation and insecurity. Those feelings are totally normal, and it’s normal to be confused. I believe in this situation communication is the key. He trusted you enough to tell you about his bisexuality, I think you can tell him about your feelings about it.

To be bisexual means that he is attracted and may have a relationship (whether it’s one night or more) with either sex. Not that he has to have sex with both to be satisfied. As you being heterosexual doesn’t mean you’d go have sex with other men. Nor that you’re unsatisfied to be only with one. Maybe you could engage the conversation about it, try to know how he feels about it.

About sexually satisfying him, if it’s really an issue for you, you can ask him if there is things he likes that you don’t do. With all the toys on the market, there’s quite a bit you can do. You may try them, decide how you feel about it, decide to do it again or not. Do it only if you want to, not only to please him. Again, communication is the key. He has to respect your limits, as you respect his. Talking about alternate sexuality and fantasies might be uncomfortable, but if you both keep an open mind and do it respectfully, it will enrich your sexual life and give you new experiences that you might never have tried otherwise.

If you both decide you’d really like to have another man join you, think about the implications carefully. I’d suggest you to both read and share about opening up your relationship. And again, talk, talk, talk.

My general suggestions would be to make sure the three of you are comfortable, that the three know the limits each have. Don’t forget that the third person have feelings too and deserve respect and care. To go slow, step by step, there’s no rush, it’s just sex. One night, just massages and kisses, another night a little bit more, etc. If one is not feeling so well about anything, everything stops, either to be continued later, after the situation has been resolved, or not. Implying another person implies even more communication. And afterwards, take some quiet time, just you and your boyfriend to talk about everything that happened, how you both feel, to cuddle and love. Opening your bed to someone else can be very fun and exciting, but it also causes an enormous amount of conflicting emotions. It can reinforce your bond if you do it well, but it implies a lot of « work ». And again, if you try it and dislike it, for any reason, there’s no need to reiterate.

I hope that my little piece of advice helped you. Don’t hesitate to write to us again. I wish to you and to your boyfriend that your love may grow and that you keep the discussion open and respectful, it’s really the most important part of a successful relationship.