Closet problems

This is a story basically about my worries of coming out. I have lived in Texas for about 10 years now and I am wondering if i will ever be able to muster up the courage to tell anyone. It’s a strange feeling, of not knowing who to turn to or what to do.


Alright, let’s begin. I have known unconsciously that I am a lesbian for a while now. Signs would show up, like I would have obsessions with actresses and other girls in my class. But I did not know what it meant until about a year ago when I met a girl named Lea. The moment I saw her, I became totally attached to her and wanted to be with her all the time. I can’t really explain it, but somewhere between now and then I made the connection. Over time, I saw that I treated girls differently than the average girl, in my class at least. Recently I was watching a movie at the theatre with my friends and a guy and some other girl showed up on the trailer. My friends were all saying, "Oh my God he’s sooooo hot!" I though the girl was totally hot and almost made the mistake of saying it. I don’t think any of those girls would have talked to me again because I think they’re all homophobes. Which is why I’m starting to think that they are not really my true friends, wouldn’t a true friend stick with you if they knew u were gay? I think it would. And isn’t a true friend supposed to accept you for who you are? One time my "friend" told me that I had to buy more girly clothes because I only buy stuff from the boys department. That made me really angry, but I never told her, because I’m afraid of saying anything. I have often wished on shooting stars, birthday candles, and eyelashes that I could have friend that understood me. The boys here are no less or more accepting. They just want a piece of each girl. It’s like a no man’s land, the area between two fighting trenches, boys against girls, and I’m stuck in the middle.

I used to live in
San Francisco, so that my dad and his girlfriend could be with my sick grandma and grandpa. My dad is from Virginia and is not the most accepting person in the world. His girlfriend is a quite a bit younger than him and I hate her. She’s one of those Hollywood wannabes with platinum blonde hair and a Botox face. She totally ignores me and thinks that I’m weird. He met her when we lived in San Francisco, she was taking a road trip with her old boyfriend. Barf.

I knew a lot of gay people in
San Francisco, mostly gay men because I used to walk down to the Castro (the gay district of San Francisco) a lot and sometimes ate lunch there etc. The people I knew were all very distant though, and I wish I had gotten to know them better now, because I realize that they are some of the few people that I could have talked to. They were all quite a bit older than I was, all were so wise and understanding and I think that they knew before I did. Like they could see into my soul. Now that I’m in Texas I have not met a single “out of the closet” gay person, and that makes me worried. Are people afraid to “come out” here? Is it dangerous to show that you’re gay? I’m not sure but there seems to be a hanging, invisible wall of fear between queer and straight. It’s scary, and I have no idea what to do.