Being gay at in everyday’s life


All my life I’ve been told that being gay is wrong. Sometimes I even tell myselfthat it’s wrong… My parents think it’s absolutely disgusting to even think of a person who is gay. I obviously have yet to tell them what I am and I probably never will.

I can only rely on my friends for support. They keep me going each day at school. They are the ray of light at the end of a pitch black tunnel. I think they are more accepting about it because more and more people are confessing that they are gay. My entire family is against it and my friends tell me that I can be who or whatever I want. I keep telling myself that it’s wrong.

Parents are supposed to teach you what’s right and what’s wrong but what if they are wrong? Is it wrong to go against your parents? I sure as hell don’t think so. My family is ignorant and naive of the world around them. Why am I the only one with an open mind? My brother and sister are completely straight, shouldn’t I be? But no, I find myself attracted to close friends and even the famous men on TV! I can’t help but be attracted to a hard muscular body: Brad Pitt, Mark Wahlberg and countless others, not even mentioning the crush I had on a guy for countless years

It’s hard to find someone else like me in my school since I live in a very rural area. Many guys here act “gay”: they grab each other and smile, stroke each other’s chest. It’s hard to find out the real ones from the fake ones.
I asked this guy out, I knew he was gay, he confessed and is out. At this point only very close friends know I am gay, but as soon as I asked this guy out I became headline news.

Everyone in my school now knows that I’m gay and the guys that are gay and closeted are afraid to go near me because they don’t want to be discovered. I still do have feelings for the guy I asked out, but something inside me just wants to rip his guts out. Is that wrong? Thankfully it has stayed in the school. No one in my family knows what I am yet.

I count the days until I can leave after I graduate from high school: forty-five days and counting. I want to leave this place and move to the big city, to the streets in Montreal where we are accepted. I still have yet to learn what sex is from either side, man or woman. When I was in the closet I asked several women out, we made out, we had fun but as far as anything sexual, I never let it happen. I never felt comfortable.

But when I see the guys in my locker room head for the showers I feel absolutely relaxed. I want to ask my crush out but I’m not even sure if he is gay. I would ask one of my girlfriends to ask him, but none of them know him. What can I do? Just walk up to him one day and kiss him on the spot? It would be incredibly hot but I don’t want to be punched in the stones after getting close to him. I asked this other guy out, too. He was going out with his girlfriend but he said he wanted to experiment. I liked him, he was cute and I tried to ask him if he wanted to give it a shot with me. He turned me down. Why would you say you want to try something if you won’t do it?

What can I do in this crazy little world that I live in? I can only hope that I find a guy that’s right for me and can care for me, but I don’t know how to approach someone I don’t know. God help me discover myself. I know what I’m doing can’t be wrong when I feel it is right, even if it goes against my family’s beliefs. I’m not religious at all and yet I pray that I may one day find what I am searching for…


About AlterHéros

Depuis 2002, AlterHéros répond à vos questions en ligne au sujet de la diversité sexuelle, de la pluralité des genres et de la santé sexuelle en général. Nous organisons aussi des activités pour les jeunes LGBTQIA2S+ de 14 à 30 ans et leurs allié.e.s.


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3 thoughts on “Being gay at in everyday’s life

  • Nate_21

    I can totally relate to you guy! My advise is to live your life for you and not to please anyone. Should you family for whatever reasons are homophobic. Surround yourself with friends that care for you and not let their negative influence affect you.
    All the best Dude!
    Nate

  • rc99

    YOU ARE SO LUCKY!! I GO TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL AND I CAN’T COME OUT WITHOUT GETTING BASHED. THAT MEANS I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE STRAIGHT FOR 4 MORE YEARS AND I DON’T HAVE ANY REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS.

  • EMTBoi20

    Hey man, I really feel for ya. I’m closeted. I’m having a really hard time with it. I have a lot of friends who act gay but I find it hard to tell if they are really gay or not. I just want to try a relationship and i’m having a hard time trying to find guys to date.