Why do I need to fantasize about men to have an orgasm if I only like women?

I’m a girl, dating a girl. We have sex all the time, but usually the only way I can have an orgasm is by imagining myself with a guy, or if I’m drunk. When I was with a guy, however, I never orgasmed, and found the experience uniquely unpleasant.
I think women are beautiful, sexy and I get crushes on them all the time. I never get crushes on guys.
I’m ashamed because the girl that I’m dating is wonderful, and everything else about our relationship is wonderful and amazing and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’d like to be with her for a long, long time. She just gets really, really disappointed when I don’t have an orgasm, so I started imagining myself with a guy and it worked.
My mom says that my not liking being with guys is because of my bad relationships with men.
Now I’m afraid that this might be true, and that if it is, I shouldn’t be with this girl, who I really want to be with.
Can you please give me some advice or help?

Lorin Young

Hi MJ – thank you for your question.

I will start with saying congratulations for following your heart and engaging in a relationship with someone who you clearly find has many great qualities. I will continue by saying emphatically that just because you imagine men when you are having sex with your girlfriend, does not mean that you should be dating men. Many people have fantasies during sexual activity that they would never consider doing in real life. The sexual mind acts in ways that are sometimes perplexing, occasionally finding what may otherwise be thought of as perverse and bizarre, instead to be erotic.

I would urge you to speak with your girlfriend about further ways of engaging in sexual acts with one another, i.e. reading erotic stories together, watching erotic videos, sensual massages, etc. Ask her to speak out loud during sexual activity and vice-versa. Sometimes changing or adding something can enhance the sexual experience. If she is aware of your previous dating experience, then she will probably understand that you are having some difficulty transitioning, particularly if your mother is pushing you one way. Again, this by no means implies that you should be with men, just that it is difficult to make changes, even when we are changing for something that we find infinitely better.

Best of luck. I am very happy for you being in a relationship that makes you so happy! That is something to hold onto.

Take care –

Lorin for Alterheros