3 mars 2023

What if I'm a lesbian? My attractions confuse me.

Here’s my issue: I’m confused about my sexuality.
I think men are handsome and attractive and if a guy I liked told me he liked me too and asked me out, I’d go out with him. When I look at a cute guy, I notice it and I smile.
But, when I look at a girl, albeit in my mind not finding her attractive, sometimes I get a bit turned on and I get really confused about it.
This has been floating in my mind for awhile and when I forget about the constant ‘What if I’m a Lesbian’ thoughts out of my mind and realize for a short while that I don’t like them, that ‘attraction’ disappears for awhile until it pops in my mind again ‘What if I’m a lesbian’ out of nowhere and I get afraid.
So, what am I ? Bi-Curious ? Bisexual ? Lesbian ? Straight ? I really don’t know and I wish someone’d help me…


Hi Charlotte!

First off, let me say I'm so glad that you chose to write to Alterheros – the most important thing for you to realize is that you are not alone. At your age, nobody is sure about who they are or what they want – in terms of sexuality and dating, or dozens of other things. Before I address the substance of your question, I would like to touch on your feelings of fear whenever you wonder about your sexuality. You need to understand this: you do not need to be afraid. What is it, exactly, that you are afraid of? If your fear is that if you identify as a lesbian or as bisexual, your family and friends will reject you , please understand that those who are not willing to accept you for who you are are not really your friends: if they don't like you for who you are, then that's their problem, not yours.

My guess is that your feelings of fear stem from confusion on your part. At 14, your hormones are still in a whirl, and it's hard enough being a teenager without the added stress of trying to figure out your sexuality. Only you can decide what you choose to identify as. There are girls who identify as lesbians who find men attractive physically, but not sexually; just as there are girls who identify as heterosexual who find girls attractive physically but are not at all attracted to them sexually. People who identify as bisexual will tell you that they find both sexes attractive, both physically and sexually (some have a preference for one sex over the other). These things are very hard to figure out, especially when you're young.

I sensed some feelings of frustration in your question, and I understand them completely. Take it from someone who has been there: it will get better. If, as time goes on, you find yourself consistently sexually attracted to girls, you may decide to identify as a lesbian. If not, or if you find yourself equally attracted to both genders, you may decide to identify as straight, as bisexual, or simply as queer. I know that this is going to sound trite and just add stress, but it really is up to you, and what you choose to identify yourself as can play as big or as small a part in your life as you want it to.

I just want to conclude by reminding you of the three most important things I mentioned above:

·You are not alone.

· Don't be afraid.

· It will get better.

I promise you, it will get easier, and it will get better. Good luck in becoming whoever or whatever you decide you want to be. The road ahead has many bumps, but you are not alone. There are all kinds of people and organizations (such as this one) to help you along the way. We've been there, and we know what it's like, and we're all rooting for you. At least, I know I am.

Chin up, you sound like a really amazing, together girl, and you're going to come out of this better and stronger than ever.

Good luck,


for Alterheros