My secret life

I first realized that i was lesbian about 3 months ago and it has disturbed my mind ever since, wondering if i’m showing who I am, or how much to tell people, what to tell people and most importantly HOW to tell people that i’m homosexual.    It’s been badgering my weary brain like constant and annoying firecrackers going off simultaneously.   There’s no way to escape, it’s an ever hanging shroud over my head that i’m always aware of.   I’ve never been afraid of showing anything because i’m a really closed person, not in a bad sense, just that i’m not very social. So this is the first time that I have ever worried to much about telling people something.

It all started in my senior year in high school (i’m going off to college next year) as i said, about 3 months ago.   And now it seems silly that i did not pick up on this sooner.  i noticed that i thought about girls differently than any of the other girls in my class.   When i went to movies with friends and they always gabbed about how hot and sexy the guy actors were, i found myself not agreeing.   When i see a guy who another girl would fall head over hells for, i think "oh, he has a nice face".   But when i see a good looking girl i think "she’s hot!" where as other girls say "oh, she’s pretty." When i became aware of this, i immediately started to hide my feelings purposely. I also realized that i enjoyed holding hands with my girlfriends, but i wasn’t so crazy about boys touching me or anything.   Earlier this year, one of the jock boys that many of the "sexy" girls love tried to kiss me and instead of thinking that i was the luckiest girl in the world, i kicked him where it really hurts a guy and ran off.

That’s when i started to think about it everyday. i placed together the clues. Like about my reaction to guys vs reaction to girls and so on.  I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m lesbian, and i’m not sad at the fact, or mad at myself or wishing that i saw straight. i realize that it’s me, and i can’t stop me from being me.

i live in a really closed, very religious community.  Many of the kids at my high school carry around petitions that are against gay marriage and parents all agree with them. My parents are also religious and not the most accepting of people, they talk in hushed voices about gay people, and even about people of different colours. My best friend is black, and i have gotten yelled at many times just for being with her.   It’s though.  I’m hoping to tell her soon because i think that she’s a true friend and will not judge or hate me for being lesbian.  

If anyone has any advice on coming out i’d really appreciate it.   If you want to, you can write it in the comment boxes below.   Thank you.

About AlterHéros

Depuis 2002, AlterHéros répond à vos questions en ligne au sujet de la diversité sexuelle, de la pluralité des genres et de la santé sexuelle en général. Nous organisons aussi des activités pour les jeunes LGBTQIA2S+ de 14 à 30 ans et leurs allié.e.s.

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6 thoughts on “My secret life

  • Cryssy

    Im in the same position and ive only told one mate because i already knew she is a lesbian. She is helping me get through it but its very hard. I hate my life at the moment and i wish i wasnt a lesbain because i dont want to bullied and cheeked. I know i shouldnt be but im ashamed of being a lesbian.

  • Alchemy

    Hello! I found myself in the same situation once, but the thing is that I found out that I have really REALLY good friends. I just told them one day, wanna know who I have a crush with. well HER and they never overreacted.
    I think that it is your true friends who will support you. trust them

  • monika333

    I’ve been out to evry one except my mother even though sometimes I thinik she knows. I realized my BI tendancies 2years ago when I was kissed by a lesbian friend and felt sparkles in my head, I started coming out slowly and as the oportunity was presenting its self. Im a femme so unless I tell u won’t know. Let things fall into place slowly and when u feel that u r ready, everyone is different so it might take a while. Just always remember that the most important thing is that YOU know and understand it. You don’t have to tell the whole world start with people that are close 2 u and u think will not be judgemental… Good luck ..

  • kyle

    i was once like you but i face it a month upon knowing that im a lesbian.eventhough i know what the consequences are i made my first move immediately. knowing it will drive me crazyif i will keep it long inside of first my family noticed changes,i told them this is me.they didnt say any word untill now.words are not important coz i know deep within my heart they accepted me.some of my friends left me and relatives didnt accept me but i care less.important for me is my family accept me for what i am and who i am…now im happy eventhough some of them still mocking and saying that im abnormal.
    face it and accept the consequences.its all thesame no matter what u do.pain and sufferings.for us,like our situation,its a normal thing.its up to u on how u handle it. be strong,u can make it!
    wish u luck

  • Mandy

    For me I knew I was one since I was 12 (possible) but didn’t OUTRIGHT know it -come to terms with it- until I was 15.
    And I can say that I did something similar to you–by testing your reactions to both genders. (I did that too, after my girlfriend -now- made me at least realize I was bi) -also never EVER wants to be kissed by a guy. ever-
    And I say, definitely tell your friend. It might be hard (of course) But the support it could bring to you is something you definitely don’t want to pass up. If it helps, tell her you’re ‘questioning’ yourself–so she can help you decide (if she so chooses)
    Another question I have though, is is she very religious too? Because it might affect the way you phrase the way you tell her.
    And of course the best of luck to you! -hugs- (because I need to boost my confidence up too…methinks my parents are getting a tad curious…)

  • Denis

    Hello, after reading your text, I have just one thing to tell you the same as I did to my son when he told me he was guy, the people that accept you are great and those who dont accept you well the heck with them after all you just need one person to believe in you, if your parents dont seem to accept who you are, well just look in the story page and look for the text, The broken child, print it out and have them read it, believe me they will change their minds like all the others, my son asked me to write that text because of how the parents delete their kids after they find out they are guy or lesbien, me I hugged my son when he told me and I told him it dont matter I still love you just the same. So dont let those people who dont understand, just tell yourself, they need you more then you need them. big huggggggggggg for you and a smile, remember a smile only works if you give one back, you can write me I spend my life listening to others.