My secret life

I first realized that i was lesbian about 3 months ago and it has disturbed my mind ever since, wondering if i’m showing who I am, or how much to tell people, what to tell people and most importantly HOW to tell people that i’m homosexual.    It’s been badgering my weary brain like constant and annoying firecrackers going off simultaneously.   There’s no way to escape, it’s an ever hanging shroud over my head that i’m always aware of.   I’ve never been afraid of showing anything because i’m a really closed person, not in a bad sense, just that i’m not very social. So this is the first time that I have ever worried to much about telling people something.

It all started in my senior year in high school (i’m going off to college next year) as i said, about 3 months ago.   And now it seems silly that i did not pick up on this sooner.  i noticed that i thought about girls differently than any of the other girls in my class.   When i went to movies with friends and they always gabbed about how hot and sexy the guy actors were, i found myself not agreeing.   When i see a guy who another girl would fall head over hells for, i think "oh, he has a nice face".   But when i see a good looking girl i think "she’s hot!" where as other girls say "oh, she’s pretty." When i became aware of this, i immediately started to hide my feelings purposely. I also realized that i enjoyed holding hands with my girlfriends, but i wasn’t so crazy about boys touching me or anything.   Earlier this year, one of the jock boys that many of the "sexy" girls love tried to kiss me and instead of thinking that i was the luckiest girl in the world, i kicked him where it really hurts a guy and ran off.

That’s when i started to think about it everyday. i placed together the clues. Like about my reaction to guys vs reaction to girls and so on.  I’ve come to the conclusion that i’m lesbian, and i’m not sad at the fact, or mad at myself or wishing that i saw straight. i realize that it’s me, and i can’t stop me from being me.

i live in a really closed, very religious community.  Many of the kids at my high school carry around petitions that are against gay marriage and parents all agree with them. My parents are also religious and not the most accepting of people, they talk in hushed voices about gay people, and even about people of different colours. My best friend is black, and i have gotten yelled at many times just for being with her.   It’s though.  I’m hoping to tell her soon because i think that she’s a true friend and will not judge or hate me for being lesbian.  

If anyone has any advice on coming out i’d really appreciate it.   If you want to, you can write it in the comment boxes below.   Thank you.

About AlterHéros

Depuis 2002, AlterHéros répond à vos questions en ligne au sujet de la diversité sexuelle, de la pluralité des genres et de la santé sexuelle en général. Nous organisons aussi des activités pour les jeunes LGBTQIA2S+ de 14 à 30 ans et leurs allié.e.s.