My obsessive fear about turning gay ruined my sex drive

Hello Craig,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now regarding your sexual orientation. From all the things you've said in your post, it really does NOT sound like you're gay. Though it is true that a person's sexual orientation can change over a lifetime, you do not seem to fit the bill in this case for the following reasons:

You've only been attracted to women for your entire life.

You hardly get any arousal from homosexual images or thoughts and you find them unpleasant and undesired.

You don't think you could ever fall in love with a guy or be with one.

These are three pretty iron clad arguments that point to the fact that you don't really “meet the requirements” to be a person who identifies as gay. A gay man has same sex attraction, they become aroused when looking at homosexual images and they wish to fall in love and be with a man; all the complete opposite of how you describe yourself. It really sounds as though your problems with sexual orientation just started a few months ago when you developed your obsessive fear about “turning gay.”

You should know that it's good that you've attempted to see if you were attracted to men by watching gay porn and masturbating to it; this is a safe and effective way of trying to figure out your sexual orientation. So you must be wondering, “That's great and all but what's up with feeling a lot better than usual about masturbating to gay porn?” Well Craig, the fact of the matter is that a lot of straight men can masturbate to gay porn and enjoy it fully without actually wanting to BE with a man, sexually or emotionally. This is totally normal and common for some straight men so you can put your mind at ease!

Hopefully this information helps to alleviate your anxiety and depression regarding your sexual orientation. It's important that you realise that you don't seem to have any real desire for a man. Once you come to this conclusion, your sex drive will most likely get back into gear over time. Nothing kills a person's libido like anxiety and depression. For now, just switch back to what normally turns you on, relax and remember how to enjoy yourself sexually again, safely of course!

If you have any other questions or want to tell us about any new developments, feel free to write us again. Good luck!


K-Wo for AlterHéros

About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

Leave a comment