6 February 2010

My obsessive fear about turning gay ruined my sex drive

Alright, here goes.
I’m 19 years old, and still in puberty. All my life I’ve been attracted solely and exclusively to women, this includes enjoying sex, falling in love, etc. Then, a couple of months ago, I’ve been struck with an obsessive fear about turning gay, though there was no proof or reason to think so. This threw me into a long period of anxiety and depression which completely killed my sex drive.
Anyway, I’ve gone through a whole variety of attempts to check whether I was truly gay or not, including watching gay porn, and a couple of times, masturbating to it.
Here’s the thing: I hardly get hardly any arousal from homosexual images or thoughts. They are often even unpleasant and undesired, however, when I tried masturbating to them, it felt… a lot better than usual. I don’t think I could ever fall in love with a guy, or be with one… What does this all mean? Could I be gay? Bisexual? Combined with the recent lack of sex drive, this is completely destroying me.

Kay Wo

Hello Craig,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. It sounds like you're having a really rough time right now regarding your sexual orientation. From all the things you've said in your post, it really does NOT sound like you're gay. Though it is true that a person's sexual orientation can change over a lifetime, you do not seem to fit the bill in this case for the following reasons:

You've only been attracted to women for your entire life.

You hardly get any arousal from homosexual images or thoughts and you find them unpleasant and undesired.

You don't think you could ever fall in love with a guy or be with one.

These are three pretty iron clad arguments that point to the fact that you don't really “meet the requirements” to be a person who identifies as gay. A gay man has same sex attraction, they become aroused when looking at homosexual images and they wish to fall in love and be with a man; all the complete opposite of how you describe yourself. It really sounds as though your problems with sexual orientation just started a few months ago when you developed your obsessive fear about “turning gay.”

You should know that it's good that you've attempted to see if you were attracted to men by watching gay porn and masturbating to it; this is a safe and effective way of trying to figure out your sexual orientation. So you must be wondering, “That's great and all but what's up with feeling a lot better than usual about masturbating to gay porn?” Well Craig, the fact of the matter is that a lot of straight men can masturbate to gay porn and enjoy it fully without actually wanting to BE with a man, sexually or emotionally. This is totally normal and common for some straight men so you can put your mind at ease!

Hopefully this information helps to alleviate your anxiety and depression regarding your sexual orientation. It's important that you realise that you don't seem to have any real desire for a man. Once you come to this conclusion, your sex drive will most likely get back into gear over time. Nothing kills a person's libido like anxiety and depression. For now, just switch back to what normally turns you on, relax and remember how to enjoy yourself sexually again, safely of course!

If you have any other questions or want to tell us about any new developments, feel free to write us again. Good luck!


K-Wo for AlterHéros