Hi Teresa,

Thank you for your question. I understand that discovering that your partner seeks sexual stimulation from other outlets than yourself can be difficult to deal with, especially when it involves a certain fetish or is implicit of a different sexual orientation. The truth is, most people watch pornography, and often times the pornography they watch does not necessarily reflect what they might actually do in their own sexual lives, but are merely sexual fantasies. I would say, watching pornography is not a bad thing at all so long as it doesn’t interfere or take over your sex life together- maybe you could suggest to watch something together that you both would enjoy, and you can both experience it as a spicy addition to your sex life. This could be one of many things that help maintain and keep your sex life exciting and fresh.

It is also quite common that many people, married, single, dating, going steady, may identify as a heterosexual, but they might develop feelings for the same gender later on. Sometimes the reverse happens too- you have someone who is homosexual that might meet someone of another gender that they become attracted to. I always think that the importance and consistency of these sorts of things are not so much about a specific sexual orientation or a specific kind of sexual desire, but more to do with the particular person in question. When you love someone, (and its normally due to things beyond what genitalia they have, or what kind of sex they desire), you just love them for who they are and what they do. Going into relationships, into marriages with the mindset that you must change him or her, usually doesn’t pan out well.

So as to not set up expectations and goals that are not necessarily possible, if you are nervous or anxious about the status of your relationship with this man because you feel he is seeing sexual possibilities in not only females, but males as well; rather than trying to guide or change someone’s sexuality, it might be better and more successful if you worked on your relationship more, as friends, as lovers, rather than focusing only on « the heterosexual part ».

Sometimes people watch pornography because sexuality and sexual identity and sexual desire are fluid things that don’t always match up in reality or the way we expect it to- and that is totally acceptable. You as well might find out similar things in your own sex life and sexual identity by experiencing with pornography. You should remember he is also with you for a reason, that he is marrying you because he loves you for who you are.

A book that I recently received as a gift, and I would say is the best book I’ve ever read on sex, might help you, its called: « A Guide to Getting it On » by Paul Joannides. It has illustrations and detailed descriptions, resources, and glossaries for terms all laid out in a informative but relatable (and humorous I might add) style. If you familiarize yourself with more of what your fiance is looking at and is interested in, it might help you to understand where he is coming from, as well as produce a appreciative response from him, as he will see the effort you are putting in to understand the other sides of his personality and sexuality.

I hope thats I’ve helped you feel more at ease about the situation, and gave you some insight about sexuality. Thanks again for your question and please don’t hesitate to ask if you have more questions in the future.

Evelyn, for AlterHeros